Monday, June 3, 2013

Which came first, the Dominance or the submission?

I'm sure most people know the saying, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" This topic could probably be debated for hours, without ever being solved. Personally, i'd say the chicken, but if that's what this blog post was about, I doubt i'd keep anyone interested. ;)


Something similar that i've been debating lately, is more along the lines of; Which came first, the Dominance or the submission?

Colin and I have been on a roller coaster ride lately when it comes to TTWD/DD. We've gone through some amazing ups, but we've also been through some not so fun downs. I know this is still new, and it takes a while to really get the hang of it, and get it to where we want it to be, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

For those that don't know, I brought this to Colin. Ever since I was pretty young I had an interest in DD. I had an interest in it, before I even knew what it was. Everything about it appealed to me. Being spanked, being held accountable, being lectured, corner time, discipline, I could go on for hours. I researched, I went online, I talked to people on spanking sites, I watched spanking videos, and I read spanking stories. Needless to say, I had a pretty good idea in my head of what I wanted. I had this picture in my mind of the perfect Dominant.

A strong willed, confident, muscular guy. Someone who would bring out the submissive in me with just one simple look. Someone who was naturally a Dominant man.


I didn't picture that guy I had a crush on in high school being *THAT* guy. The adorable, sweet, caring, cuddly guy that I had a crush on for years. He was cute and sexy, and I liked him - but when I pictured this perfect Dominant man, it wasn't the teddy bear that the guy from high school was.


Turns out, I fell madly in love with that sweet teddy bear from high school, and we got married. Thankfully I finally had the courage to bring TTWD/DD up to him, but I also expected him to magically transform into a naturally Dominant, stern, strict ...Christian Grey-ish type.

I get this can't happen over night, and i'm SO lucky that I have a guy who's willing to try. He's willing to research, willing to learn, and willing to take charge.

What does this have to do with my original topic? Ok, maybe it's just one of my ramblings, but eventually it'll all tie in. I promise.

So what about me? Well I wanted to be that perfect submissive. The perfect spankee. Whatever you want to call it. Problem? I'm SO not naturally submissive. It takes a strong dominant type person to bring out that submissive that is hiding verrrryyy deep down. See, it's all starting to tie in now. :)

So now here comes our problem. He needs my submission to gain confidence in his Dominance.

I need his Dominance, to bring out my submission.

Catch 22 much? I'd say so.

So we have one half trying to be Dominant. The other half trying to be submissive. In order to work, and be the best each half can be, they need that 'role' to come out in the other half.

So, which comes first? The Dominance or the submission?

I guess it comes down to the fact that they both need to work together. It's not a matter of which comes first, but more of how to figure out how to work on both of them at the same time.

They both need to be worked on separately, yet at the same time, they need to work together.

Have I managed to confuse anyone yet? I know i'm more confused than I was when I started this post!

Bottom line is, I don't have an answer. It's a work in progress. I'm going to work on my submission. I want to try and find that natural submissive who I know is somewhere in there. On the other hand, he is going to work on bringing out that Dominant that I know is in him. With each others help, as well as working on both sides on our own, we'll get there eventually. We'll figure it out.

Our roller coaster ride is far from over, so rather than stressing over it, and worrying about when the next big hill is, whether it be up or down, i'm going to enjoy the ride. I'm going to enjoy exploring these aspects of each other, and i'm going to try my best to bring out his Dominance, while he tries his best to bring out my Submission.

On a different note, i'm so happy to have found the community of spankos/DDers, whatever you want to call it, that I did. Between this blog, a couple chats, and actually being able to meet Riley, who is also a blogger who practices TTWD, it's been such a great outlet.

I've found people who seem to just know what i'm going through. People who "get it." I've had some great advice, and it's just awesome to have that. Colin's started going into a chat room with me, which I think is great, because knowing how much talking to others has helped me, i'd love it if Colin also had some people to talk to about the struggles of DD.

You don't notice how 'strange' it is to talk about, until youre out in public trying to discuss it. I met up with Riley tonight - and our first meeting place ended up being so crowded that we would have had to have a pretty vanilla convo, so thankfully we came up with another place and were able to pretty openly talk about DD. Of course we still end up whispering certain words, and looking around to make sure no ones listening in our convos, but it's so great to be able to have a DD friend who's local. What's awesome if that we talk about the DD stuff, but we can also talk about the vanilla stuff going on in each others lives. It's a lot different than talking to a non DD friend, that's for sure. Got a pretty good laugh out of the fact that when I ordered my large iced tea, they managed to make it a "Lice grn tea." Doesn't sound very appetizing when they put it that way!


So bottom line, is that yes, we struggle .. A LOT at times, but I count myself lucky. I have a husband who I love with all my heart, who is willing to learn and work at this until we get it right, I have a great outlet, and i've met some pretty cool people who I can talk to about all this craziness. So, why focus on the negative, when there's a lot of positive to look at. :)

23 comments:

  1. It is for sure tough to know which came first or which can come first when one so often relies upon the other. One thing that popped into my head when you were talking about Colin being a sweet teddy bear type is gentle dominance. I know I love when Cael is gently dominant with me. He's strict and he means what he asks, but he does so in a very loving way. Maybe that's one way to go? Not sure if that's your thing or if you'd rather someone pin you to a wall to dominate ;) But, I figured I'd throw that out there!

    It for sure helps to have people to talk too as well and it's awesome that Colin is so open to doing the same. And I'm also so thankful to have you nearby -- I need my tea & ttwd fix.

    I was just thinking about your lice tea. And then I thought if you'd gotten a medium it wouldn't have helped much...mice tea.

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    1. Riley, I love our Tea & TTWD convo time, lol.

      That idea about the whole gentle dominance, is great. I never really thought about that before. I mean, I don't mind the pin me to the wall type Domination either, lol but maybe a mix of the two would be perfect. :)

      haha oh boy, I dont know which is worse, mice tea or lice tea, YUCK! :)

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  2. It sounds like you both are rolling with the struggles and the good parts pretty well. Just remember, there is no perfect submissive or spankee. Striving for perfection will likely lead to frustration and disappointment. You have good moments, you have bad moments. Everyone does. There is no "perfect" person, but you can work on making a situation that's perfect for both of you.

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    1. I love the end of this comment Lea. You're SO right! There is no perfect person, but we can work on making a situation that is perfect for us. I have to keep that in mind from now on. :)

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  3. I liked this post Mixie. It's certainly an interesting topic. I'm glad you're working your way through it though.

    Callie

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    1. Thanks Callie, i'm glad you liked it! :)

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  4. Kenzie,

    Thank you for sharing the ups and downs of your journey. You are very lucky that the person you love is willing to try out DD. Many significant others have no interest at all.

    I am glad you have Riley nearby to talk to about the DD life.

    Lea is right, there is no perfect sub or dom. Ironically, most subs seem very dominant when they are with people other than their dom.

    It may also help to switch off the DD roles during the most stressful part of a work week. I know people who have tried that approach.

    Good luck to you both as you progress in your roles.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. I like the idea about switching off the roles during the most stressful times, it seems like that could be something that really helps. Thanks for the advice joey :)

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  5. I was just telling Riley last night that I'm so jealous you guys have each other close by! I'm a giant chicken about meeting people in real life, but if you two were close, I'd find my spine somewhere.

    Like I said last night in chat, I think we all need to find the reality that works for us. Most of us go into this with the picture of this big man that is a mind reader and so dominant we couldn't shake him if we tried (and we do try!). But then men in our lives are so much more real than that, and they love us to pieces. They don't want to hurt us, they are insecure in their role, and they question themselves and their decisions.

    Accepting them for the sweet, loving men they are helps them gain their confidence. I'm not sure it's so much you being submissive as it is you reassuring him that he's doing it right. A little positive reinforcement does wonders for confidence :)

    Good luck, you guys will definitely work it out!

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    1. Lol, Aw Rosie, that would be fun if you were closer! I was sooooo nervous when we first met, but it was so worth it! All I kept thinking was, "ohhh emmm geee.. what if this is some old man convict???"

      But of course, that wasn't the case, lol.

      Positive reinforcement seems to really do the trick! I've been working on that a lot, so thanks for that tip! :)

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  6. Congrats on letting him know your desires and that he is willing to give it a try. I think Riley's comment about gentle dominance could work for you. Anyway, good luck on your journey and hope you can find a middle ground that works for both of you. The D/s lifestyle can be so rewarding.

    FD

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    1. Thanks FD! I liked her suggestion about the gentle dominance as well. Seems we're getting closer and closer to that middle ground. :)

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  7. Kenzie, love your post, and Rosie I agree with what you said about our men, I think you are spot on with what you said about our men.

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    1. Aw thanks Honey! Yes, Rosie said it very well! :)

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  8. I think you and Colin are so inspirational. I love how honest you are about your struggles, and I love that you two are willing to work so hard at working things out because you love each other.

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    1. Aww, you're so sweet! Thank you. :) I figure the best way for this blog to be helpful is to be 100 percent honest. We have great times, but we also have downs, so why not share those as well. Especially considering the advice we tend to get, as well as the support, is just great. :)

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  9. Doing ttwd has led us to amazing heights and amazingly low lows. It seems though that lately it has stabilized a bit, so I can tell you it gets easier. :)
    I think in our relationship, I thought dominance would produce submission, but it was more like the more submissive I was/felt/acted, the more dominant DH became.

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    1. I'm glad it has stabilized for you two! I guess, just like life, those highs and lows are expected.

      I'm beginning to notice, like you said, the more submissive I feel/act, the more Dominant he gets. :)

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  10. You do have a lot of positive in your life. It's important to focus on that as much as possible. Sounds like you're in a good place :)

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    1. Thanks Sarah! I'm trying to focus on the positive as much as possible, and I feel happy and content right now. :)

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  11. Hi, Kenzie. I think you and I are on the same roller coaster...just like so many others. We are new too, and on the younger end as well. We don't have years of marriage, and it's so tough to keep learning each other since we have incorporated DD. I brought it to him too, and yes, it is a balancing act - both dominance and submission working together. I am glad you are staying positive. This post helped put some things into perspective for me.

    -Marie

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    1. Marie, let's at least share a seat on this roller coaster from now on! :) lol.

      It is one crazy ride, that's for sure. I'm glad this post helped you out with some things, that's always so nice to hear. :)

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  12. So glad that you are both working towards a common goal. We are too but I stumble over my dominant habits and his curteous nature.
    Bea

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