When a submissive, doesn't feel submissive.

It's been a little while since I made a post here, and I figured it was about time to update.

I feel like I don't have much to say, which is a big reason I haven't updated lately, but I guess I'll just write and see what happens. :)

Not much is new with us, nothing terribly exciting anyway. To be honest, ttwd is still kind of on the back burner.

Actually, scratch that. I wouldn't necessarily say it's on the back burner, more like in the background.

I know it's still there, I just wish I *felt* it a bit more. Does that make sense?

I don't think either of us are to blame at all, but for some reason it just seems really hard to get back on track. We've talked about it, we've come up with a few ideas, but it's still not the same as where it was, or where I'd like it to be.

If I had to pinpoint a reason or two for why I don't think things are running smoothly lately, I'd attribute it to two things.

1. Consistency is lacking a bit.
2. I'm just not feeling submissive.

With the whole consistency thing, it's hard to put into words what I mean by that. It's not that Colin isn't being consistent, because he is. For example, that damn list app thingy. He texted me this morning, telling me to check the list when I got up, and cross off the items on that list.

Drink water, go to the gym, and make his lunch for tomorrow. Nothing too difficult. I drank a good amount of water, will make his lunch before bed, but I didn't get to the gym. I just didn't have time today between work and not feeling well.

So anyway, he texted me a little earlier and asked how I made out on the list.

I told him I drank the water, would make his lunch before bed, but didn't get to the gym.

He replied with, "Good girl. Just remember gym is 3x a week."

So he's checking up on me, making sure I'm doing what I should, so yes when it comes to that sort of consistency, I couldn't ask for anything more from him.

I guess the consistency I feel is lacking, comes more from the little things.

He's been telling me a lot lately to stop rolling my eyes. I'm an eye roller, so this is not an easy habit to break! I do it a lot! Well he'll notice me rolling my eyes, but won't say anything.

I don't expect the man to flip me over his knee every time I roll my eyes, but if it's something he wants me working on, why isn't he noticing it?

It's little things like that that happen pretty often lately, which has me feeling kind of iffy when it comes to consistency. I'm not trying to whine, or complain, especially about petty little things like that, so please don't take it that way. I guess I'm just trying to sort out how I'm feeling in a sense.

So the second reason. Me not feeling submissive. I wish I had a damn button that I could push and all of a sudden I'd feel totally submissive. I just don't want to submit lately. When I get into a rut with things, I just kind of turn off and give up, and I think maybe that's what I'm doing here.

Rather than pushing at it, and trying to make it better - I just turn off. 

I'm not naturally submissive, so it's not easy for me. I want to be submissive though, so I need to find a way to make it work and not just give up on it.

I think I'm just going to try and stop over thinking it for a bit. I'm going to trust that things will go back to how they were, and that we WILL get back into the swing of things. I know I want to, and I know Colin wants to, so it's nice not having to question that anymore. I guess it just boils down to me letting go, and giving IN rather than giving up.

I'm going to try and be extra submissive this week. I'm going to make it a point to do little things around the house, or cook, or just listen without putting up a fight. Maybe if I force myself a bit this week, then it'll come more naturally in the weeks to come.

How about you guys? Do you ever get into that kind of rut where your submission is just nowhere to be found? Anything specific you do, or have done to get back into that frame of mind?