Thursday, July 24, 2014

I see your Dominance, but I need to FEEL it.

I should probably start this blog off with a warning of some sort. Basically this post is going to be all over the place. I have a few topics I want to write about, but instead of writing separate blog posts, I figured I'd try to fit it all into one - without making this an hour long read. :p

First thing to start with, is that Colin is healing pretty well. He has some pain here and there, but all the checkups have been great, and he starts his physical therapy in a few days, so that should help a lot! When it comes to DD/Ds during his recovery, it started off really well. We did things to keep it alive, and right before his surgery I actually got a very serious spanking which kept me in line for a pretty long time! I've gotten a little teary before from a punishment, maaaybe even came close to crying - but this spanking changed that for sure! The spanking was for some serious disrespect, and towards the end he started talking about how what I say can really hurt him. Yikes. The lecture really hit me.. (at the same time the implement was hitting me by the way) and I just knew I wasn't going to be able to hold back the tears.

Colin was asking me questions during the lecture, and when I stopped answering with "yes Sir," and became quiet rather than answering his questions, he could tell I didn't want him to know I was crying. He gave me a few more smacks with it, and then held me for a while. He told me I don't need to hide the fact that I'm crying, and that it might help me to just let go and get it all out. He held me for a while, I cried, we talked, and it was the most effective punishment I've received. Sooo, that certainly helped with my behavior. For a while. 

We also did a few activities that have really helped us maintain our roles. We filled out a limit list together, we each wrote down what we think the other does well in their role, and what they could work on. Another one we did, was to write down 5 things each of us would ideally like from the other on a regular basis. 

He also decided that I'm going to start writing a daily diary. Something to keep track of how many waters I drink a day, if I do my chores or not, why I didn't get something done, and just my overall feelings that day. Just a quick little entry each day. We'll then go over it at night, during out nightly discussions.

I went to the store and bought a notebook on Monday - but I've yet to write in it. I'm not sure why, but I'm losing my submissiveness big time this week.

There hasn't been much follow through from Colin lately either. I notice that during our nightly discussions, for the past two weeks, he's been telling me I need to do better with drinking enough water throughout the day. I'm supposed to drink a minimum of 4 bottles a day, and I've been drinking one .. maybe two. In my mind I'm kind of like... "ok, well if I haven't been drinking enough water, and you've been reminding me every night for about two weeks.. maaaaybe it's time to do more than just talk to me about it?!?!" I've SEEN his dominance plenty lately, but I haven't FELT his dominance in a while. To me, there's a difference.

We talk, and do activities, and discuss things, BUT there isn't much reinforcement. I've pointed this out to him a few times, and he always says it's going to change, but to be honest - it hasn't. In my mind, that means it's not going to. I know he has a ton on his mind, and he's stressed, and I completely get that. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I don't want to come off as whining or complaining either, so I apologize if it comes across that way - but I needed to vent a bit. ;) So yea, that's where we are right now, but I'm hoping we'll get back on track soon.

Next thing I wanted to mention, was that we had the amazing opportunity to get together with 5 other DD couples about a month ago for a whole weekend, and it was SO much fun. I'm so lucky to have met such great, down to earth, real, fun, people that "get" the whole TTWD thing. Colin and I were able to be ourselves, and not hide this aspect of our lives around others. The only downside to that? Other HOHS give very evil presents to each other, and I got into a bit of trouble one night so Colin decided it was a great time to try out some new implements! All I can say is OUCH! Oh, and they weren't exactly silent implements either. So yes, it was heard by others. Grrr. ;) But like I said, it was such a great feeling to be ourselves, and be around others who understand. I'm very thankful. :)

The last thing I wanted to mention, was that the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer came out today! I wasn't looking forward to it at all, but the trailer changed my mind just a little bit. I still don't like the female lead, but I have to say that seeing the trailer made me see the actor who plays Christian, in a different light. I didn't think he'd be "Christian-y" at all .. but after seeing the trailer, I'm starting to see it a bit. Have you guys seen it? If not I'll put it up in this post - watch it and let me know what you think. :) Will you be heading to the movie theater when it comes out next year?


  1. I am glad to hear he is healing, and that you two are managing to keep this thing going despite the difficulties you have had.
    I feel like we are in a sweet spot right now and am really enjoying that it just works.
    And I like the trailer, I am not too sure about her, she is a little too sensual looking while trying to look mousy, you know?

    1. I'm so glad you're in that sweet spot right now. That's awesome. :)

      Ah you explained her PERFECTLY! I couldn't agree with you more!

  2. So many good things in this post! First of all, your punishment sounds very effective--I think we all hope that punishment will give us that kind of release and re-connection that we need.

    Also, the diary idea sounds really good. It's funny, cause I used to write in a journal all the time until I started dating my husband, and then I stopped for years. But very recently (as in last week), I was inspired to dig out my half-filled journal and write an entry...about DD, of course (DD is inspirational in more ways than one ;)

    Lastly, I'm still SOO jealous that you had the chance to meet up with other DD couples!! That sounds truly amazing--count me in next time!

    Oh...and 50 Shades. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but I'm sure I'll go and see it.

    1. You're SO right about the punishment and the release/reconnection feeling. Sometimes it's just what is needed.

      DD is def inspirational in more ways than one, and let me know how the diary goes if you start to use it again. :)

  3. Aw Kenzie, I miss my Dd girlfriends so much it hurts sometimes. Honestly. It is so wonderful to be with them. To just be 'us'. There isn't a greater feeling than that kind of acceptance! Um, I would DIE if Barney spanked me in the same house as them however, acceptance or not.

    We were eating dinner one night and I teasingly threw my napkin across the table at Barney and it hit him in the FACE....oops. He wasn't really cross with me but I felt the other to men's eyes on me, and awkward 'giggles' I was mortified BECAUSE they knew we were Dd...LOL

    As for feeling the dominance, I understand completely. You know that wonderful spanking release you had? It is a 'drug'. The desire to be there again can be very strong. Not sure if that is playing into it or not. You know what I am going to say- dig deep. Don't lay it on him. Drink your water. I set my timer in the morning 2 bottles before lunch, 2 after lunch.

    And 50 Shades of Grey- for those who liked the book, I'm not sure how this movie will ever measure up. I think fan has an idea in their mind of the two main characters and I am not sure if they will satisfy the mind's eye.

    1. Lol..I can just imagine the whole napkin scene! I freaked out when he first started and actually used our safe word.. but then we talked and I agreed with what he was saying.. so yea, the spanking commenced lol.

      It really is a "drug." That feeling/release.. it can be such a pain, can't it?

      As for 50 Shades.. you're right. Everyone has different ideas and images in their mind. I'm not letting my hopes get high, that's for sure, but hey why not give it a shot and check it out. :)

  4. It's good to see you again. I am glad that Collin is doing well. Sometimes submissive attitude is just.. well hard.

    1. It really can be hard, can't it? It's nice to know I'm not crazy and that others 'get' it. :) Thanks!

  5. Hey Kenzie...happy to hear that Collin is doing better. With everything he is dealing with, a more submissive attitude from you might help his dominant attitude...ya never know. Sending healing energy and positive thoughts.

    Hugs and Blessings...

    1. You're right. I need to have more of a submissive attitude.. I tell myself that a lot.. but when it comes down to it? Well I'm not exactly submissive, lol. I'm going to keep that in mind though, so thank you. :)

  6. I'm all too familiar with that feeling of "okay I admitted it, now it's your turn to step into your role......i'm waiting...."

    And the inevitable frustration that follows because i feel like i'm getting a free pass and i wonder what else he'll let me get away with. And it's not like I look for loopholes to be disrespectful or break rules, but if I'm irritated about something and he's been lax on curbing my passive aggressiveness, The Brat will start pushing. And I feel like when he lets his guard down, she makes an appearance fairly soon after I get mad about x, y or z. And she always gets me into trouble!

    1. Did I write this or did you? Lol, seriously when I was reading your comment I could relate with pretty much every single word!!

      I'm glad I'm not alone. Thanks. :)

  7. Hi Kenzie!
    I think Wilma is right, it's like a drug and you want more. I know that's how I have felt in the past. I bet as soon as he is completely healed you will get another dose of his dominance that you crave.

    Wouldn't it be nice if more people were accepting of ttwd and none of us had to hide it, I bet then our husbands would feel more free to lead and be more dominant.

    I did see the trailer and do plan on seeing the movie. I'm just worried that there won't be that great chemistry on the big screen like it is in the book and in my mind. But I'm still excited!

    1. Ah the chemistry thing will be lacking big time, I think. Maybe I'm wrong though, who knows. I'm excited to check it out as well. :)

      As for getting another dose of the Dominance once he's all healed and better.. you're right. I just need to be a little more patient. :)

  8. Hi Kenzie, so glad to hear Colin is doing well. I definitely get needing to feel his dominance and I too bet as he recovers more you will. Try and focus on the fact that he is still leading. You are still having your talks and he has asked you to keep a diary etc.

    Glad you had suchna good time with the other couples. It must be so great to be able to just be yourselves.

    I am definitely intrigued to ser the movie, but do wonder how it will measure up to the boojs.


    1. Trying to focus on the things he IS doing, is exactly what I need to do. Thank you for reminding of that. I needed that. :)

  9. glad Colin is healing well...and that you had shared some great moments together. writing and sharing...sounds like you are doing some great activities to keep the communication going. as for the movie...I don't know, though I am sure I will watch it - curious minds have to know... :-)

    1. Of course curious minds have to know! Lol.. I agree!

      And thank you. :)

  10. My husband (of many years and presently we are empty nesters) and I don't have formal rules, but we honor all the main D's (dishonesty, disrespect, etc.), and he has always been the leader in big decisions . I like spanking and he has come around to it because he sees it helps me when I'm frenzied and we both like it when used as foreplay.
    Two things I'd like to say: 50 Shades of Grey sparked up my interest in sex and spanking, so I will surely see the movie. Neither one of the leads looked the way I pictured them, especially the girl. I think every reader has an image of them both in their head and it will be hard to feel the same.
    The second thing: my one concern with DD is losing your identity entirely. It sounds like wives have no lives (jobs, outside activities for themselves or involvement in children's activities) and writing in diaries to turn over each day or doing chores just for him seems awful childlike. After awhile many wives are posting about their husbands lack of involvement, etc. I think Hoh's may get tired off taking on all the responsibilties (jobs, $, kids, and keeping a wife in line or up to par) and would like an equal adult partner . My husband and I always chatted before bed at night, but you just answering to him sounds an awful like a father/child situation. I don't want to come off as judgemental, but Hoh's don't seem to be held accountable in this system.Maybe you can discuss this with couples who have been in DD a long time.

    1. Hi there. I appreciate your comment, and of course welcome others opinions.

      I do have to say, I politely disagree. In no way have I, or will I, lose my identity because I do DD the way we do it. I know many women who are in DD, and they are all some of the strongest, independent women I know.

      Filling out diaries or journals is a way for us (as a couple) to keep track of feelings, what went on in the day, what rules were broken, etc. It in no way, makes me lose myself.

      I am very much my husbands equal partner in every way. Just because I'm the submissive one, does not mean I don't have responsibilities as well. If someone had THIS kind of relationship with their father, I'd be worried for them. It's not a father/daughter relationship because I talk with my husband at night. It's a husband/wife/loving relationship because we communicate.

      So, as much as I can appreciate others opinions, I don't appreciate what sounds like you calling me a childish kid, with no responsibilities.

    2. Amen, Kenzie!

      Not only have I not lost my identity as a stay-at-home submissive, I have considerably more opportunity and freedom to further my development.

      I don't write a journal, but I have a clipboard which has my to-do lists and my daily task list which my Master helps me fill out at the beginning of every week. I mark things off as I complete them and my Master and I discuss it each night before bed. It doesn't cause me to lose myself, it helps me keep myself on track.

      In addition to having tasks that move me toward things he wants me to do, I also have many tasks that move me toward things *I* want to accomplish. His guidance leads me toward my goals. And my to-do list helps me keep our home in order.

      I submit to his will, but we are absolutely partners. It takes both of our efforts to make the kind of life we want to have.

    3. I think the biggest difference, Anon, is that a father/child relationship is non-consensual, in that a child does not give a father permission to give him/her chores and discipline--it's considered "part of raising a child," and if the child doesn't like it, he can move out when he's 18.

      A DD relationship, on the other hand, is a consensual agreement in which a submissive gives her partner *permission* to give her chores, assignments, and discipline, as needed. My husband certainly did not force this on me--I asked him to do it, because I knew it would strengthen our relationship, enhance our roles, and help us hold each other accountable.

      I have not lost my identity--in fact, it's quite the opposite. I feel that my identity has been enhanced both at home and in my professional life. I'm a happier person because of this arrangement, and it enhances all aspects of my everyday life. Almost every submissive I know in this community has either a job, kids, hobbies, extra-cirricular activities, etc... in which they participate, and I don't know of anyone that is stuck in their house practicing DD 24/7.

      As far as equality, I have never once felt unequal to my husband. Just because we have different roles does not mean one role is less important than the other or that one role takes less work than the other. I work at my role, he works at his, and, like anything that takes work, sometimes we just don't have the energy to be consistent in our roles. We try our best, though, and I have never felt like I didn't have a say in anything we've done.