OTK Discussions

Once again, it's been a little while since i've been able to write a post, and I hate being away from the blog for so long, but i'm back. :)

I also promise to catch up on reading and commenting asap! I'm sorry i've been mia with that stuff lately, but i'll be catching up soon!

There isn't too much to report here, things have been so/so I guess you could say. DD and D/s aren't super present right now, but it's also not gone - so, hey, that's a plus!

We've both been pretty busy, and pretty stressed lately, but Colin's been doing a pretty good job at making sure DD is still somewhat there. I'll be honest though, I do wish it was ... MORE there. I've been craving a bit more lately, and I think he knows that. Actually, I think he *might* be craving a bit more too, so i'm just trying to leave it in his hands, and see where he takes us.

We had our one year wedding anniversary a couple weeks ago, and it was so sweet. He surprised me with a hotel room, which had a trail of flower petals (the flower petals that were used in the wedding) on the floor, and on the bed. Plus, he went to the same bakery where we got our wedding cake, and got a mini cake, same flavor and all. It was VERY sweet. Right when you think you can never love someone more than you already do, you end up loving them even more. It was definitely a great night.

Aside from that, in the beginning of DD, we were doing maintenance spankings, and then we stopped. Things were so busy, that they'd never happen when they were supposed to, which turned into me getting pissed off, yelling and fighting with him, and it just did no good. We figured it'd be best to just stop it, so we didn't have to deal with the disappointment. Well, it's been a little while since we stopped them, and I talked to him about it recently. I kind of miss it. I miss having that structure, in a sense. We came up with something that he calls, "OTK Discussions." It's kind of like maintenance, but depending on what's gone out in the days leading up to it, it could be something as simple as me laying over his lap, and us just talking. He decided that we'd have one of these, "discussions," every Wednesday, but also whenever he feels it's necessary.

Tonight is supposed to be our first one, but he's still at work and probably won't be home until at least 8 o clock, if not later. I have a feeling it might be put on the back burner, but i'm not sure.

Part of me is so tired and just.. blah feeling today, that I really could care less if it doesn't happen. I kind of think I'd be relieved in a way. The other part of me is saying, "No, it needs to happen. You just feel this way because DD has, once again, taken a back seat."

I don't blame him for the fact that it's not how we'd both like it to be right now, but sometimes I feel like it's not made a priority when it could/should be. It's fine to be too tired from work, or just too stressed once in a while, but personally, I feel like sometimes if he's too tired, he should say, "Oh well, too bad. This is important and I need to MAKE it important."

I don't know, my mind is kind of all over the place right now, as is this blog post. Sorry about that.

I'm trying to just let go and see what happens, but i'm all sorts of confused.

Like I said, I think the fact that it hasn't been great lately, is almost getting me to expect the let down. Again, I want to stress that i'm not mad at Colin for this. I understand shit happens, but I guess i'd appreciate it, if it were made a priority.. just sometimes!

He still is very HOHy at times though. For example, he's been on my butt about saying Sir, a lot more than he used to be. Also, we were out this weekend, at a public event, and he told me he wanted me to leave my hands on my thighs. If I had an itch, or if my phone rang, or if I needed to move my hands, I had to quietly ask him. I thought it might be silly at first, but it really got me to think about being submissive and listening to him. Something so little, turned into a pretty good lesson in submission. Later on in the day, it got to the point where I was doing something, maybe being a bit feisty, and he's just give me that look and put his hand on his thigh. I automatically knew he wanted my hands on my thighs, and I put them there without a thought. It was an interesting day.

So like I said, it IS still there. He IS still being HOHy, but the spanking part, the punishment part, and some other parts have been .. lacking. I trust him to make it a priority, i'm just really trying to stay patient.

In other news, and let me stress how unbelievably exited I am about this, Charlie Hunnam is no longer Christian Grey! Yay, I think. Now, i'll admit, I saw a few photos of Charlie and caught myself thinking, "Wow, ok.. I see it. They could totally change him up a bit from the SOA look, and he could be Christian Grey." Especially in this photo.

If you've been reading this blog, you know i'm all for Matt Bomer, so that's where the Yay part comes in. I've seen a few articles that mention Matt being a front runner, now that Charlie is out. I think the fans and the movie makers might not see eye to eye on this, so I won't hold my breath, but I WILL cross my fingers! I also have read that he was offered the part first, but turned it down. No idea if that's credible or what, but I can believe that he would turn down the offer. I think any serious actor would, to be honest. As hot as some of those scenes are in the book, lets face it, the writing is a joke. If the movie is much like the book, it could very easily, turn whoever portrays Christian, into a joke as well.

What do you guys think?

And just because he's total eye candy, I can't let this post be done without a picture of Matt Bomer, now can I?

There's no room in D/s or DD for insecurity!

Surprise Surprise, life has been INSANE once again, and I haven't had much time for blogging. I miss it! I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with everyones blogs, but right after this post i'm going to spend some time catching up and commenting!

Anyway, Colin and I were talking the other day about some D/s things we want to try. To be honest, there's A LOT I want to explore/experience, as does he. I love when we talk about trying new things, and bring up new interests to each other, but then I get all bummed out, because in reality I know that my insecurities are going to get in the way of trying these new things.

I need to read this daily!

I told him that, and he says over and over again how much he loves my body, and if he didn't, he wouldn't want to try all these things with me. I tried to explain it to him, and mentioned how it'd be easier to write about it, so he gave me a little assignment. Writing a post here, about how insecurities can get in the way of having fun. This is probably going to be one of the harder posts i'll write, but i'm really going to just try and be totally open.

I've had body image issues for as long as I can remember. I went through a few years in high school, when I was in awesome shape. Looking back at those pictures now, all I want is to get back to that point. BUT, during the time those pictures were taken, I didn't like myself at all. I was one of those girls who was wearing a size 4 or 6, and thought I was so fat. I went through some things after high school, and gained some weight, so of course now i'd love to fit into a size 4! Now, i'm by no means 300 pounds or anything like that, but I don't have the body I had then. Not being comfortable with yourself can get in the way in so many areas of life, and it's especially a pain in the ass when it comes to DD/Ds kinda stuff.

I'll be totally candid right now, and say that it really messes up having a good sex life too! I so badly want to please Colin in multiple ways, and I want to have a healthy, exciting, rough & crazy sex life, but sometimes i'm so down in the dumps about myself, that I really lose the drive for those kind of activities. To be completely honest, i'd say it gets in the way more times than not. To put it bluntly, that sucks!

I know some people who read this blog are strictly DD, and not into Ds stuff at all, so i'm trying not to over share, but it's hard to really talk about the issue, without getting into some details. So, if you don't want to here about crops, or spanking on other body parts besides the butt, skip the next paragraph or two. ;)

Ok, so getting down to it! We just ordered some new toys and they should be here pretty soon. Problem is, just because they'll be here soon, doesn't mean we'll use them anytime soon. Why? Well, we have good ole insecurity to blame for that one! We ordered one of those pretty extreme looking "massagers," that are really vibrators, and also a crop, Fifty Shades of Grey style! Thinking about it now, i'm so excited for Colin to use both of those things, but when it comes down to it, I don't think i'll be able to just let go and feel comfortable with myself. We both really want to try ... okay I seriously feel like a little kid right now, but it's so hard to say this.... bare with me .. ahh .. pussy spanking.

Looks fun, doesn't it?

Okay, there I said it! That's why he got the crop. So in my mind, i'm trying to figure out how he can use it, while i'm fully clothed. Or at least semi. Can I keep a shirt on, and maybe some skimpy panties? Can I have on some short shorts? When in reality, I should be comfortable with getting naked and letting him do whatever the hell he wants! I mean, he's not a stranger, we've had sex, he's seen my body, we're freakin' married! He says he loves my body, he certainly wants his hands all over me 24/7, so why can't I just .. let go?! It's certainly a frustrating feeling.

Not only does it mess with the Ds aspect, but it also messes with the DD aspect in certain ways. I crave that feeling of being vulnerable. A bit of that humiliation aspect, being put in my place, and just being .. his. I feel like a good way of showing that, is nakedness. Whether it's corner time, kneeling, or just a spanking. It would certainly make me feel submissive. Yet, I just can't come to terms with that.

I'm really not sure of a solution at this point, but maybe this post will be the first step to figuring it out? I certainly hope so! I want to get to the point where he can tie me up, use the new "massage"/vibe, and leave it there for hours until i'm begging for him to stop. I want to get to the point where he can tell me to strip and kneel. I want to get to the point where i'll do these things, and won't feel insecure doing them! I want to feel comfortable with these pictures becoming reality. *Again, a little more Ds/Sexual than youre used to on this blog, so if you're uncomfortable with that, skip forward a bit.*

 I really want to start getting back into the gym regimen. I'm doing some youth coaching right now, so that's a decent work out, but I want/need more. Colin has tried making a rule where I have to go to the gym 3x a week, but lately there has been so much going on, I literally haven't had the time.

I think from here on out, i'm going to start making the time. Maybe it'd be better to not have a 3x a week rule, but rather a rule where if I have time to sit on my butt at home on the computer, then I should be at the gym! Even if it's just 30 minutes to start with. Just something to start having me feel better about myself. I also need to start eating better. I need to find some good healthy recipes, for both Colin and myself, and making some nice healthy dinners!

It's so easy to say i'll do these things, now I just need to do them!

In the meantime, i'll be dreading/nervously waiting for the doorbell to ring with our new toys. Let's just hope it doesn't take a month to use them.

I know self confidence issues are a common thing, especially for women. I'm thinking maybe the fact that being submissive, opens up a whole new door of emotions/vulnerabilities, adds to it a bit? What do you guys think? Have you had/do you have these kind of issues that get in the way of D/s or DD? How did you work through it? I'd love some advice, I could certainly use it!

Oh, and I found this picture while searching for pics for this entry. Honestly, this is the best/most accurate picture i've ever found! I love it.

This is EXACTLY where I want to get with Colin, and our relationship. Exactly!