"You need to get back into your submissive role and LET GO."

Hi everyone! Finally back from vacation, and happy to be back to the blog! I've actually really missed it .. writing in mine, and reading/commenting on everyone else's. :)

Vacation was sooo much fun. I absolutely love Disney/Universal Studios, and had a blast. On the other hand, i'm happy to be home. We were pretty much busy non stop, since 7 or 8 in the morning, until it was time for bed. There was a lot to do, but i'm glad we got to do all of it. It was also my birthday while we were there, so it was lots of fun to celebrate it in Disney World. Plus, Colin was pretty awesome and got me pretty good presents while we were there. :)

Anyways, DD was nonexistent on vacation for the most part. Colin ended up forgetting the cane at home, along with the capcaisin cream. He brought a few other implements, but we never had the privacy, or really the time, to use any of them. For the most part they weren't needed, but there were a few times I snapped at him, not to mention quite a bit of cursing. I had gotten a lot better with that before vacation, but then I just kind of .. forgot the fact that there were some rules.

I actually felt a pretty big disconnect with him towards the end of the vacation due to the lack of any kind of Dominance on his part, or submission on mine. We both felt like we needed some kind of reconnect, and I actually ended up asking him if we could have a sort of reconnection spanking. I usually do NOT ask for anything like that, so the fact that I asked proved how much I thought it was needed.

He agreed, and said it was going to happen. He came home from work, and kept reminding me that the spanking was going to happen. I was sooo tired and really just wanted to go to bed, but he stuck with it.  *Which even though at the time I didn't want it, i'm really glad he stuck with it.*

Anyway, he started off using his hand, as I was over his knee, and then switched to the hairbrush for a bit. He was really good with lecturing, telling me things I needed to start working on now that we were home, and that the rules were still in place, expected to be followed, etc. It stung like crazy because I hadn't been spanked in so long, but it felt like what we both needed.

He then had me bend over the bed, and he switched to the cane. The cane is new to both of us, so we knew there'd be some experimenting with it before we got the hang of it. He started with a couple very gentle smacks with it, just to test it out, and then he did one that was a bit harder. I felt he was holding back big time, so I was honest and told him it didn't really hurt, and that I thought he needed to use more force for it to be effective. I looked back at him, and saw he was sitting on the bed while swinging the cane, rather than standing up behind me.

For some reason, I have nooo idea why, this set me off. I got pissed, got out of position, and started yelling at him. I think, in my mind, it was about him not doing any research on it that really bothered me. If I can sit here and read articles, blogs, etc about making this DD thing work, then he should be able to go watch some spanking videos where a cane is being used, or go do some google searches.

Woke up this morning to see the cane hanging on the wall.

I don't know why I got so upset, but I really did. I started talking to him in .. well .. not the nicest way, and ended up just laying in bed. I thought he'd man up, and be dominant and do something about my attitude, but instead he just ignored it. Really?!

Gahhh, it is just so frustrating when I expect him to step up, and all he does is step back.

Of course he says it's because I kept telling him to stop, and not to touch me, which I understand and I can imagine if I was in his shoes I would have just dropped it as well, but when he stops because I tell him to stop - it makes it seem like i'm really the one in charge.

I do not want that. I want him to be in charge. I want him to be more strict, more stern, more in control.

I don't know.  It's a learning process. A slow, pain in the ass, learning process. I just wish it would .. work more times than not.

I won't be home until late tonight, so it will be another night of no reconnecting. I just want to be able to feel submissive again. I want to feel his dominance, and I want it to go back to feeling normal. To feeling right. Hopefully it'll go back to that feeling soon... in the meantime, maybe communicating about it will help.

We just talked about it a little bit on the phone, but all it did was piss me off more. We ended the conversation with nothing settled, and I can't stand that.

What I envision him saying is something along the lines of,

"Ok well I know i'm not home right now so it can't be taken care of the way it needs to be, but I want you to go stand in the corner for five minutes and think about how you're going to react differently next time."

What he does say is more like:

"We'll figure it out. You need to be more submissive and go about things differently. We'll talk about it more later, love you bye."

He talks the talk really well, but now he needs to walk the walk and back it up.

And I need to approach things differently. If something bothers me during a punishment, I need to talk to him.  I can't keep flipping out about it and turning it into a fight.  Hopefully it's something I can work on.  It'd be easier to do so with his help, but if I have to work on it on my own, I can do that too.

I ended up just sending him a text apologizing for the way I reacted and for the way I talked to him, and he ended up calling me and we had a good conversation. He said that we need to come up with a safe word, because when I tell him to stop and not to touch me, he thinks that I really mean to stop. That makes total sense, so having a safe word will help with that confusion. I have to say, the end of our conversation really made me smile. It went something like this:

You need to get back into your submissive role and LET GO.
Okay, I will.
Now apologize.
Im sorry.
What?
Im sorrrryy.
What??
I'm sorry Sir.
Better. I don't want this to happen again.
Yes Sir. I'll talk to you later, love you bye.
Bye you little brat.

Oh, and just so happens he said when I fell asleep last night he was researching the cane and how to use it for about 45 minutes. He admitted that I was right and he was using it wrong, but just wants me to go about talking to him differently if it happens again. Now i'll probably regret wanting him to use it properly.

And I just got a text from him telling me he wants me to put on a certain bra and pair of panties so that when i'm "out tonight, ill think of him." :) Now if only this could keep up this way!