Thursday, May 9, 2013

"You need to get back into your submissive role and LET GO."

Hi everyone! Finally back from vacation, and happy to be back to the blog! I've actually really missed it .. writing in mine, and reading/commenting on everyone else's. :)

Vacation was sooo much fun. I absolutely love Disney/Universal Studios, and had a blast. On the other hand, i'm happy to be home. We were pretty much busy non stop, since 7 or 8 in the morning, until it was time for bed. There was a lot to do, but i'm glad we got to do all of it. It was also my birthday while we were there, so it was lots of fun to celebrate it in Disney World. Plus, Colin was pretty awesome and got me pretty good presents while we were there. :)


Anyways, DD was nonexistent on vacation for the most part. Colin ended up forgetting the cane at home, along with the capcaisin cream. He brought a few other implements, but we never had the privacy, or really the time, to use any of them. For the most part they weren't needed, but there were a few times I snapped at him, not to mention quite a bit of cursing. I had gotten a lot better with that before vacation, but then I just kind of .. forgot the fact that there were some rules.

I actually felt a pretty big disconnect with him towards the end of the vacation due to the lack of any kind of Dominance on his part, or submission on mine. We both felt like we needed some kind of reconnect, and I actually ended up asking him if we could have a sort of reconnection spanking. I usually do NOT ask for anything like that, so the fact that I asked proved how much I thought it was needed.

He agreed, and said it was going to happen. He came home from work, and kept reminding me that the spanking was going to happen. I was sooo tired and really just wanted to go to bed, but he stuck with it.  *Which even though at the time I didn't want it, i'm really glad he stuck with it.*

Anyway, he started off using his hand, as I was over his knee, and then switched to the hairbrush for a bit. He was really good with lecturing, telling me things I needed to start working on now that we were home, and that the rules were still in place, expected to be followed, etc. It stung like crazy because I hadn't been spanked in so long, but it felt like what we both needed.

He then had me bend over the bed, and he switched to the cane. The cane is new to both of us, so we knew there'd be some experimenting with it before we got the hang of it. He started with a couple very gentle smacks with it, just to test it out, and then he did one that was a bit harder. I felt he was holding back big time, so I was honest and told him it didn't really hurt, and that I thought he needed to use more force for it to be effective. I looked back at him, and saw he was sitting on the bed while swinging the cane, rather than standing up behind me.

For some reason, I have nooo idea why, this set me off. I got pissed, got out of position, and started yelling at him. I think, in my mind, it was about him not doing any research on it that really bothered me. If I can sit here and read articles, blogs, etc about making this DD thing work, then he should be able to go watch some spanking videos where a cane is being used, or go do some google searches.

Woke up this morning to see the cane hanging on the wall.
I don't know why I got so upset, but I really did. I started talking to him in .. well .. not the nicest way, and ended up just laying in bed. I thought he'd man up, and be dominant and do something about my attitude, but instead he just ignored it. Really?!

Gahhh, it is just so frustrating when I expect him to step up, and all he does is step back.

Of course he says it's because I kept telling him to stop, and not to touch me, which I understand and I can imagine if I was in his shoes I would have just dropped it as well, but when he stops because I tell him to stop - it makes it seem like i'm really the one in charge.

I do not want that. I want him to be in charge. I want him to be more strict, more stern, more in control.

I don't know.  It's a learning process. A slow, pain in the ass, learning process. I just wish it would .. work more times than not.

I won't be home until late tonight, so it will be another night of no reconnecting. I just want to be able to feel submissive again. I want to feel his dominance, and I want it to go back to feeling normal. To feeling right. Hopefully it'll go back to that feeling soon... in the meantime, maybe communicating about it will help.

We just talked about it a little bit on the phone, but all it did was piss me off more. We ended the conversation with nothing settled, and I can't stand that.

What I envision him saying is something along the lines of,

"Ok well I know i'm not home right now so it can't be taken care of the way it needs to be, but I want you to go stand in the corner for five minutes and think about how you're going to react differently next time."

What he does say is more like:

"We'll figure it out. You need to be more submissive and go about things differently. We'll talk about it more later, love you bye."

He talks the talk really well, but now he needs to walk the walk and back it up.


And I need to approach things differently. If something bothers me during a punishment, I need to talk to him.  I can't keep flipping out about it and turning it into a fight.  Hopefully it's something I can work on.  It'd be easier to do so with his help, but if I have to work on it on my own, I can do that too.

I ended up just sending him a text apologizing for the way I reacted and for the way I talked to him, and he ended up calling me and we had a good conversation. He said that we need to come up with a safe word, because when I tell him to stop and not to touch me, he thinks that I really mean to stop. That makes total sense, so having a safe word will help with that confusion. I have to say, the end of our conversation really made me smile. It went something like this:

You need to get back into your submissive role and LET GO.
Okay, I will.
Now apologize.
Im sorry.
What?
Im sorrrryy.
What??
I'm sorry Sir.
Better. I don't want this to happen again.
Yes Sir. I'll talk to you later, love you bye.
Bye you little brat.

Oh, and just so happens he said when I fell asleep last night he was researching the cane and how to use it for about 45 minutes. He admitted that I was right and he was using it wrong, but just wants me to go about talking to him differently if it happens again. Now i'll probably regret wanting him to use it properly.

And I just got a text from him telling me he wants me to put on a certain bra and pair of panties so that when i'm "out tonight, ill think of him." :) Now if only this could keep up this way!

30 comments:

  1. Hi Kenzie, I'm Pink; nice to meet you. Sounds as though this is definitely a work in progress! I'm frightened for you on the cane, as I've never been caned. Hopefully, it won't be too awful! (Wishful thinking)

    Hugs,
    Pink

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    1. Nice to meet you too! Thanks for stopping by the blog. :)

      A work in progess for sure! Seems it is going to be that way for a while, so I might as well enjoy the journey. :)

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  2. Kenzie,

    Thank you for being so honest and brave! I am glad that you enjoyed Disney World.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thanks Joey! I feel like the best way to make the most out of the blog is to be honest about all of it... the good times, and the bad. :)

      Delete
  3. OKay, first commenting from right in the middle of your post. I cannot believe you jumped up and yelled at him in the middle.....:)

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    1. Okay, and now from the rest of the post.
      I am sorry you guys haven't figured this out yet and it is still going on, and it probably really doesn't help when you freak like that. :) I did that too. Really freaked out, yelling, just not pretty. What helped me was being more submissive, still telling him, but much more submissively, it stroked DH's ego, he was more confident, and now does send me to the closet and think about things when needed.

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    2. I couldn't believe it myself!! Lol, I really need to work harder on the submissive thing huh?

      I like the idea of telling him, but more submissively. I'll have to work on that and try to find ways to let him know in a more submissive way. Thanks for the tip! :)

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  4. I sort of did the same "topping from the bottom" thing last night. DH was really sort of playing around spanking, not serious, and I could NOT keep my face straight. Well, okay, except on the swats that really hurt LOL. But I kept pushing back, and then, well, he just dropped it. I got SOOO irritated, but I knew that if I brought it up it would turn into a fight, because it was my fault.
    It's a "pain in the ass" learning process for both sides I guess :)
    BTW, I couldn't help but snicker at your choice in words there ;)

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    1. Lol don't you love the "pain in the ass" pun there? I'm sorry that happened with you guys, and I hope you were able to sort it out and find a way to talk to him! :)

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  5. oh and Happy (late) Birthday!! Glad you had a great time :)

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  6. First, I am afraid urging him to research how to use the cane will *probably* be in the "be careful what you ask for" category.

    Second, it's totally normal to feel like "he's not doing things right" in the beginning. It happens to a lot of people!

    Keep in mind you can't control his actions or reactions, ever. You can only control your own. When you feel he isn't actively Domming you enough, the best way to remedy this is by making *yourself* be more actively submissive. When he *does* step up to the plate, and actively Doms you, be sure you encourage him and thank him for doing it.

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    1. You're so right .. I realize I have to actively be more submissive, in order for more of his dominance to come naturally. Great suggestion, thank you. :)

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  7. I'm glad your back :)

    That's true, that it is irritating, when Dom is not in charge when he should be, but...

    I always trying to imagin what I would do in his shoes and it helps :)
    On the other hand, safe word is really good idea. We've got as many as two safe-words. One if I don't like what is going on, and second if something wrong is going on, I feel in danger or something...

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    1. Imagining what it's like being in his shoes, helps .. A LOT!

      I think it's cool that you guys have two safewords, meaning different things. Thanks for the comment. :)

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  8. Your texts sound like our texts. I have to erase the immediately so my kids don't borrow the phone and see the conversation. Question, are you submissive in the bedroom? Sometimes if you can't reconnect with a spanking, him being very, very dominant in your bed can help with the reconnection. It has worked at times for us. One day at a time with the dd, for every day you were to together before dd, you need to give both of you that day to learn new behaviors. Hopefully it will happen way sooner than that.

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    1. Lol, I always have to make sure any of our texts about this stuff are gone before anyone picks up my phone! People wonder why I snatch my phone away so quickly .. if they only knew!

      As for the submissiveness in the bedroom, I *WANT* to be, but I feel like it'll come more naturally when he shows more of his dominance .. if that makes sense? Maybe I need to work on the submissiveness while he's working on the dominance.

      Thanks for the comment. :)

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  9. Yikes, that does sound hard! We have a safeword for this exact reason as well. I know that I'm going to protest, fight, drag my feet, and beg/demand. He gets to ignore all of that or respond however he wants because he knows that if I need him to stop, I'll use our safeword.

    Works great for us, I hope it works well for you!

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    1. Sounds like the safeword works really well for you guys! I'm glad we decided to use a safeword and I think it'll help out a lot! Thanks for the comment. :)

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  10. Judging by the length of that cane I'd say you will definitely regret asking him to use it properly. It sounds to me like you deserve a good caning.
    Kind regards,
    Gary.

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    1. I have to say I agree and I probably do deserve that!

      Thanks for the comment. :)

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  11. Welcome back and happy birthday! Rog uses the cane on me, and I hate it. It is so hard to be still when he uses it. I wish I could be more helpful on the slow learning of DD. we are still learning and it is going so slow. But I just try to remember, anything worth having is worth waiting for. So maybe a slow learning curve is good.
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. Thank you! :) You are so right that anything worth having is worth waiting for. Patience has it's place in DD/TTWD for sure, but I think in the end all the patience will be worth it. :)

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  12. I hate it when I say stop, and he does, because I feel like I want him to decide when he needs to stop! We have discussed a safe word as well, but have not actually put this in place. I feel he doesn't trust himself yet...I try to remember that it's not only hard to be submissive but that it's tough for the dominant too because they have so much in their hands...literally lol. I have been where you are many times. I think you are doing good, and those text messages sound like they helped :)

    -Marie

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    1. Your comment could have been from me! Lol I agree with everything you said, especially feeling like he doesn't trust himself completely yet. I think I get a sense of that, which in turn makes me feel not as submissive, because he doesn't trust his dominance. Ah, it's a whirlwind of emotions isn't it? I think it just takes a lot of hard work and communication, and yes the text messages did help. :)

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  13. If you don't mind some advice, I think you should tell him that you can't just be submissive on your own. You need him to take charge to make you feel submissive. And I think a safe word is a good idea, especially during spankings. You can tell him that crying out and telling him to stop doesn't mean you want him to stop. You only want him to stop when you use the safe word. You want him to decide when to stop, preferably when your ass is red and tears are falling down your cheeks.

    And I suspect you want him to tell you to follow his command if he will give him. Things like waiting for him naked standing in the corner with your ass and pussy plugged. Thinking about getting your butt spanked.

    And you could suggest he read a book on D/s. Or suggest he read some blogs you recommend that describe what you like.

    The good thing is that you are young and you know what you want and nee and hopefully, you can get on the same page.

    Good luck.

    FD

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    1. I don't mind advice at all! I welcome it, and love hearing it, so thank you! :)

      Your suggestions are great, and I really like the first paragraph and am going to make sure he reads it a few times.

      Thanks again, I appreciate it.

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  14. You need his help and he needs yours. It's hard, I know it. Keep plodding along Kenzie...I promise that it does get easier if you keep talking and both keep trying to be consistent.

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    1. Thanks so much Susie .. I like how you say I need his help and he needs mine, that's a really good way to look at it. :)

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  15. I have been caned while the top was sitting next to me, so it is possible to still control it that way. But canes do have a big learning curve. I'm glad you were able to talk it out. Sometimes as a couple people don't think about things like safewords, but it can still be a good thing to have in place.

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