When being submissive feels like a chore..

I've been wanting to write a post for a while now, but it seems every time I went to write one, I'd decide against it. I didn't think I had anything to write about, and I just felt kind of .. blah about the whole DD thing.

To be honest, I'm kind of forcing myself to write this post. I've wanted to write for a while, so I guess I need to just .. do it, and see what comes out. It might be a lot of senseless rambling, so feel free to skip this post - I'll understand. :)

DD, Ds, any sort of TTWD has been pretty extinct for us lately. I don't really know why, other than we've both been sick and pretty stressed. We've been having a bunch of problems with our moronic landlord, who is basically trying to kick us out, so he doesn't have to pay for all the issues that are going on in the apartment. He broke our lease recently, because he came into the apartment early one morning when he wasn't supposed to. Colin had left for work, and I was in bed, when I heard keys in the doorknob. I freaked out, and then heard the door open so jumped out of bed and ran over to the door to see what was going on. There was my landlord, just standing there. "Oh uh, I didn't think anyone would be home." Oh ok, so you just show up because you don't think anyone is home? Um no. Not according to the lease. Anyway, needless to say it made me nervous to be home alone, especially at night, so we've been trying to move out, which has become so stressful.

We live in a very overpriced part of the country, so finding someone decent in our price range has been a huge hassle. We finally found something we both really like, and I'm pretty sure it's ours. I'm supposed to meet with the guy soon to sign the lease, so until then I don't want to jinx it, but I'm pretty excited! It's much bigger than the space we're in now, but it's also more expensive. It's do-able, but it won't be easy. I think it's time to hit the lottery!

Anyway, so we've been stressed because of that and it seems to have really taken a toll on TTWD. I think it's also because we had company over the holidays, and since we weren't able to do much then, it's hard to get back into the swing of things.

It almost feels like a chore to be submissive. I want to get back into it so badly, but I catch myself getting really irritated when he gives me something to do. There's a lot that has to be done, and every time he reminds me to get the stuff done, I want to roll my eyes and tell him to be quiet.

I kind of feel like we're stuck and don't know how to get back on track. Especially now that the holidays are over, so he's back to working anywhere from 60-100 hours a week!

We've talked about this a little bit and I mentioned maybe having some kind of reconnection spanking. He seemed to agree, and also said that we'd be starting fresh. He said we'll be going over our rules, adding a few new ones, and he was going to be enforcing them pretty strictly. If we get this new place, it'll be nice because we'll be able to get a complete fresh start. Only thing is, we have one floor where we are now, so it's not like he can tell me to, "Go wait upstairs." Welllll the new place, has three floors. So he can very easily tell me to go upstairs and wait for him. I don't know why that makes me nervous, but it does!

Another reason I think we're not back on track yet, is that I don't think either one of us quite knows how to wrap our heads around certain types of spankings. Let's see if I can get this to make sense without rambling on forever...Warning: There might be a bunch of nonsense that doesn't make sense below, lol, but I'm just trying to sort it all out ..

I get punishment spankings. Those are the types of spankings I had always envisioned when I realized I wanted a DD relationship. I wanted the consequences, the lecturing, the aftercare - basically everything that comes with a punishment spanking.

I kind of get reconnection spankings. I crave his Dominance, I want to be reminded who is in charge, I want/need him to want/need to spank me .. just because he wants to, or just because he can. If I'm slipping a bit and have been a little bratty, but don't quite deserve a punishment spanking, that's when I can see a reconnection type spanking taking place. That or if we've been in a funk for a little bit and need to go over the rules or something like that.

With that being said, I can't quite grasp other spankings. Good girl spankings, fun spankings, sexy spankings. I want all of those, but I'm not sure how to separate them from the punishment spankings. What do I do differently? What does he do differently? What does he say differently? I need the stuff that goes with the spanking. The verbal part. The lecturing. His Dominance. I need all that. How does he convey that when it's not a punishment? Why do I have such an issue submitting to a spanking when it's not for punishment? I feel like I get lost in my thoughts and find a reason to fight with him so that it doesn't happen.

Does that even make any sense? I warned you guys, this might be a bunch of mumbo jumbo rambling taking place.

Bottom line? We're in a funk. Again. But this time, I don't know how to get out of it. I think I need one of those reconnection type spankings. I need it to be 100 percent initiated by him. I need for him to be more Dominant and in charge than ever before. I think about how I need all of this, but then I imagine him coming home tonight and actually telling me to get over his knee, and I just don't think I'd listen. I think I'd make up a thousand excuses. I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, I don't feel well, I have cramps.

Now, it's not like those are made up excuses, because they're all very much true. Today has been exceptionally exhausting. I got a dog for my 12th birthday, and he's now 13 years old. He's literally the most amazing dog there is. He's adorable, friendly, the sweetest thing ever, and he's been part of my family for so long.

He went to the vet today and they wanted to put him to sleep. He doesn't seem to be in any pain at all, but he's lost a ton of weight, isn't really eating, and can't walk much. The last thing in the world I want, is to see that dog suffer. It'd break my heart. But right now, he isn't suffering. He's old, yes, but he certainly doesn't seem to be in any sort of pain. Thankfully he came back home and the doctor gave him some antibiotics and said maybe there'll be some sort of miracle and that's all he will need for now, but in his opinion, he's not going to live much longer. I got the news, and right away I called Colin and just kind of lost it. It's been a long day of tears and sadness, so I really am emotionally spent. It'll be so hard to lose him, and it makes me so sad to think about it. I just hope these antibiotics work and when he does go, I hope he goes peacefully in his sleep.

So yes, maybe tonight isn't the best night for that reconnection spanking, I don't think I'm in the right head space right now.. but I do hope it happens soon. I think we both need it.

Like I said, lots of rambling about different topics, but at least it got me to write a post! What do you guys think? Have you ever been in this type of funk, and did a reconnection spanking help? Or maybe something else? I'd love to hear your thoughts! :)