Monday, January 6, 2014

When being submissive feels like a chore..

I've been wanting to write a post for a while now, but it seems every time I went to write one, I'd decide against it. I didn't think I had anything to write about, and I just felt kind of .. blah about the whole DD thing.

To be honest, I'm kind of forcing myself to write this post. I've wanted to write for a while, so I guess I need to just .. do it, and see what comes out. It might be a lot of senseless rambling, so feel free to skip this post - I'll understand. :)

DD, Ds, any sort of TTWD has been pretty extinct for us lately. I don't really know why, other than we've both been sick and pretty stressed. We've been having a bunch of problems with our moronic landlord, who is basically trying to kick us out, so he doesn't have to pay for all the issues that are going on in the apartment. He broke our lease recently, because he came into the apartment early one morning when he wasn't supposed to. Colin had left for work, and I was in bed, when I heard keys in the doorknob. I freaked out, and then heard the door open so jumped out of bed and ran over to the door to see what was going on. There was my landlord, just standing there. "Oh uh, I didn't think anyone would be home." Oh ok, so you just show up because you don't think anyone is home? Um no. Not according to the lease. Anyway, needless to say it made me nervous to be home alone, especially at night, so we've been trying to move out, which has become so stressful.

We live in a very overpriced part of the country, so finding someone decent in our price range has been a huge hassle. We finally found something we both really like, and I'm pretty sure it's ours. I'm supposed to meet with the guy soon to sign the lease, so until then I don't want to jinx it, but I'm pretty excited! It's much bigger than the space we're in now, but it's also more expensive. It's do-able, but it won't be easy. I think it's time to hit the lottery!

Anyway, so we've been stressed because of that and it seems to have really taken a toll on TTWD. I think it's also because we had company over the holidays, and since we weren't able to do much then, it's hard to get back into the swing of things.

It almost feels like a chore to be submissive. I want to get back into it so badly, but I catch myself getting really irritated when he gives me something to do. There's a lot that has to be done, and every time he reminds me to get the stuff done, I want to roll my eyes and tell him to be quiet.

I kind of feel like we're stuck and don't know how to get back on track. Especially now that the holidays are over, so he's back to working anywhere from 60-100 hours a week!

We've talked about this a little bit and I mentioned maybe having some kind of reconnection spanking. He seemed to agree, and also said that we'd be starting fresh. He said we'll be going over our rules, adding a few new ones, and he was going to be enforcing them pretty strictly. If we get this new place, it'll be nice because we'll be able to get a complete fresh start. Only thing is, we have one floor where we are now, so it's not like he can tell me to, "Go wait upstairs." Welllll the new place, has three floors. So he can very easily tell me to go upstairs and wait for him. I don't know why that makes me nervous, but it does!


Another reason I think we're not back on track yet, is that I don't think either one of us quite knows how to wrap our heads around certain types of spankings. Let's see if I can get this to make sense without rambling on forever...Warning: There might be a bunch of nonsense that doesn't make sense below, lol, but I'm just trying to sort it all out ..

I get punishment spankings. Those are the types of spankings I had always envisioned when I realized I wanted a DD relationship. I wanted the consequences, the lecturing, the aftercare - basically everything that comes with a punishment spanking.

I kind of get reconnection spankings. I crave his Dominance, I want to be reminded who is in charge, I want/need him to want/need to spank me .. just because he wants to, or just because he can. If I'm slipping a bit and have been a little bratty, but don't quite deserve a punishment spanking, that's when I can see a reconnection type spanking taking place. That or if we've been in a funk for a little bit and need to go over the rules or something like that.

With that being said, I can't quite grasp other spankings. Good girl spankings, fun spankings, sexy spankings. I want all of those, but I'm not sure how to separate them from the punishment spankings. What do I do differently? What does he do differently? What does he say differently? I need the stuff that goes with the spanking. The verbal part. The lecturing. His Dominance. I need all that. How does he convey that when it's not a punishment? Why do I have such an issue submitting to a spanking when it's not for punishment? I feel like I get lost in my thoughts and find a reason to fight with him so that it doesn't happen.

Does that even make any sense? I warned you guys, this might be a bunch of mumbo jumbo rambling taking place.

Bottom line? We're in a funk. Again. But this time, I don't know how to get out of it. I think I need one of those reconnection type spankings. I need it to be 100 percent initiated by him. I need for him to be more Dominant and in charge than ever before. I think about how I need all of this, but then I imagine him coming home tonight and actually telling me to get over his knee, and I just don't think I'd listen. I think I'd make up a thousand excuses. I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, I don't feel well, I have cramps.

Now, it's not like those are made up excuses, because they're all very much true. Today has been exceptionally exhausting. I got a dog for my 12th birthday, and he's now 13 years old. He's literally the most amazing dog there is. He's adorable, friendly, the sweetest thing ever, and he's been part of my family for so long.

He went to the vet today and they wanted to put him to sleep. He doesn't seem to be in any pain at all, but he's lost a ton of weight, isn't really eating, and can't walk much. The last thing in the world I want, is to see that dog suffer. It'd break my heart. But right now, he isn't suffering. He's old, yes, but he certainly doesn't seem to be in any sort of pain. Thankfully he came back home and the doctor gave him some antibiotics and said maybe there'll be some sort of miracle and that's all he will need for now, but in his opinion, he's not going to live much longer. I got the news, and right away I called Colin and just kind of lost it. It's been a long day of tears and sadness, so I really am emotionally spent. It'll be so hard to lose him, and it makes me so sad to think about it. I just hope these antibiotics work and when he does go, I hope he goes peacefully in his sleep.

So yes, maybe tonight isn't the best night for that reconnection spanking, I don't think I'm in the right head space right now.. but I do hope it happens soon. I think we both need it.

Like I said, lots of rambling about different topics, but at least it got me to write a post! What do you guys think? Have you ever been in this type of funk, and did a reconnection spanking help? Or maybe something else? I'd love to hear your thoughts! :)

38 comments:

  1. I totally understand the whole dog issue. It's so very hard. YOU will know when the time has come and as long as he is not suffering...

    Just remember if it ever does become "time" that although it will probably be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, just tell yourself over and over that "I am doing this FOR him, not TO him."

    I hope that day doesn't have to come for you for a very very long time!

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    1. You're right about knowing when the time comes for my dog. He's not suffering and seems to be doing better for now, so that makes me happy. :)

      I will keep that in mind if the time does come. It'll be tough, but that will help. Thank you!

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  2. I am sorry you are going through this again. I seems astounding how we can revert back to old behavior so quickly.

    The landlord situation sounds creepy....

    And, I have recently learned to not label my spankings as much, and just trust DH to deliver the kind he feels we need. :)

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    1. Sometimes it seems like its one step forward, and two steps back - but I'm hoping eventually we'll get through that stage.

      Great advice - I have to just start trusting him to deliver what he feels necessary. :)

      Thanks Julia!

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  3. This was a good post. Sometimes the rambling brings out truth in your thoughts. Spanking takes on many forms and it really depends on the headspace and energy of the two people involved. The hardest thing is knowing your need and simply letting things go the way they go so that you feel your center again. Good luck.

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    1. The rambling did help me, so I'm glad you liked it. :)

      I do have to just let go, let him lead, and take it from there. Thanks for the advice!

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  4. I know it's hard to believe sometimes but everything happens for a reason and works out the way it's supposed to. Good luck with the house and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your doggie.

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    1. Thanks so much! You're right, I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, so I just have to keep reminding myself of that. :)

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  5. Awe Kenzie, you have so much going on right now, it's no wonder you are both so stressed. Being sick doesn't help either! I think ttwd takes a bit of back seat for a lot of us over the holiday's let alone everything else you are dealing with.

    I'm sorry for the trouble you have had with the landlord. I agree, it does sound a bit creepy and really hope you do get this other house.

    So sorry to hear about your dog. Just before Christmas we found out one of our cats has cancer and won't be with us much longer. I know how you feel. They are such a part of our life and family.

    As for the different types of spankings. I sometimes struggle afterwards with 'what was that?' lol. I agree with Julia though, best not to label. Having said that, the main difference between them for us is the emotion, mood etc surrounding them. They each have a different 'feel' (pardon the pun :)

    Sending you lots of hugs and hoping things feel better soon.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz! We got the other place and are officially moving in, in a couple days! Yay!

      Aww, I'm so sorry about your cat. It can be so tough. :( Sending hugs your way!

      I love the pun, and I love the advice. Thank you! :)

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  6. Kenz,
    I am so sorry you and Colin are going through so much turmoil. I understand about the dog thing, when I had to put my dog down, I didn't even tell anyone for 3 months, except those that were around and would notice. I couldn't even talk about it. I am sorry you both are going through so much, but I knew you both will turn the corner and get everything back on track again. No doubt.
    love,
    honey

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    1. I think that's how I'll be for a while when he passes. Won't be able to talk about it at all. Thankfully he's feeling better for now, and is in good spirits! :)

      Thanks Honey! :)

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  7. Awe Kenzie, I'm sorry. It's tough to have our head in the right frame of mind when your sick, over worked, looking for new housing and having your very special 4 legged family member near the end. Hopefully the antibiotics work their miracles. As far as DD, ttwd goes, I wish sometimes that I could just let it be who we are without ever having to think about it, to know that it's always there in our daily life and I don't know another way of living, then that way maybe it wouldn't through my emotions and thinking for a downward spiral. If that makes any sense.

    Sorry I'm not any help but I am thinking about ya and hope you find your way out of your funk soon.
    Kim

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    1. He seems to be feeling much better Kim, so it seems the antibiotics are doing the trick! He is old and I know he won't be around forever, but it's nice to see him in good spirits right now! :)

      That makes total sense, and I wish the same things at times! Actually a lot of the time.

      You were a big help! Thank you! :)

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  8. I wish I had advice. Sending a lot of hugs!

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    1. The hugs are perfect! Thanks so much for that. :)

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  9. Hey Kenzie...I only had discipline/reconnection type of spankings so can't give you any advice regarding GG/Erotic types but I'm sure some of the other ladies can.

    Regarding your move...sending lots of prayers and positive energy that everything works out the way you want ASAP.

    Regarding your pup...oh I do understand...sending lots of prayers and healing energy for your sweet baby.

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks so much for the positive energy Cat! It seems to have helped out! :)

      Hugs!

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  10. hugs to you... it sounds a horrid landlord to have.. i hope you get your new place. i understand about your dog,i would be lost with our husky she is my furbaby , and kows everything. xxx hope it loks up for you soon ad you feel better x

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    1. Aww I'd love a husky one day, they are so adorable!

      Thanks so much for the comment! :)

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  11. Hey Kenzie :)

    Wow you guys are busy, no wonder your head is in bits :(

    Well the landlord thing, I think I would have hit him over the head with something, had I found him in my house, creep :(

    I'm so sorry about your dog, that's so sad, I have two and can't imagine having to make that decision :( but as others have said, if it stops him suffering unnecessarily then it's for the best, but try and not thi k about it till that day comes.

    I so understand what you mean about it being a chore. We had people round and I sort of put a stop to things and it's very hard to find that head space again, but the new house sound a wonderful and it will be good for you guys to start over again. We had the " lets change things " talk and it has worked well :)

    As far as the spankings go, well we do a lot of different ones, and for me too it only means something when it's for discipline, but he likes to do it for any number of reasons. The way he separates them is the things he does whilst spanking. Sort of like as foreplay, as I'm he will swat an rub and swat and rub other places, more like a sensual warming if that makes sense. I don't get gg spankings, don't really get whole thing, why be spanked when I've been good ? But a little sensual foreplay I find nice :)

    Sorry I only rambled on and I've been no help :( hope you're feeling better soon :)

    Hugs x

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    1. Lol Missy. Oh I wanted to hit him over the head with something, that's for sure! He's a total creep!

      I think we really need the, "Let's change things," talk as well, and he's mentioned multiple times how we're going to have that talk soon, but unfortunately life doesn't want that to happen quite yet.

      Between feeling sick, and moving, and working, we haven't had the time. But the fact that he's brought it up multiple times has helped me feel better. :)

      You were tons of help, don't be silly! Thank you so much! :)

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  12. Sorry about your dog. It is hard when pets fade in front of you and I hope the antibiotics help. Sounds like you're doing the right thing with your lease.
    Our spankings are always erotic in nature, even when we dress them up as disciplinary. It helps to combine it with foreplay.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Thanks DF! The antibiotics have been great so far, so that's good news! :)

      Thanks for the tip! :)

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  13. I'm so sorry about your dog. They become a part of the family and it's so hard when it's time to say goodbye. (((hugs)))

    As for the different kinds of spankings...is it possible that you're over thinking it? I'm just asking because I remember doing that myself at one time. We do different kinds of spankings...discipline, stress relief, reconnects, etc. And for us the underlying difference can be summed up in one word: tone. It's the different tone to the spanking that makes all the difference. If I'm about to be punished I'm certainly in a different head space then if we're about to reconnect and the same is true for Michael. Does that make sense? At first Michael would spank with different implements or in different positions depending on the type of spanking. It was kind of like having a different ritual for each type of spanking...ie. otk with the wooden spoon and lecture and corner time vs. lying next to one another on the bed, his one arm under me and spanking me with his hand, etc. That doesn't always hold true anymore. It was helpful in the beginning because we both needed that very clear differentiation.

    I hope you get to enjoy some more time with your doggie. And I hope your new home is wonderful and you find yourselves under much less stress.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. They really do become part of the family. He seems to be doing so much better, so I'm just spending lots of time with him, which is awesome.

      It's very possible I'm over thinking it, in fact it's very possible you hit the nail on the head! Lol, I'm the queen of over thinking and it's something I have to work on for sure!

      I see how the tone would pretty much make the difference in the types of spanking, and I think from now on, rather than over thinking it, I'm going to try and let go .. and just let him lead.

      Thanks Grace! :)

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  14. I am new to this lifestyle, so I can't give any guarantees about the results of what I'm about to suggest. But I feel similar needs. And for the last 5-6 months, I've been willing and eager and all honeymoony with excitement, and it's almost disheartening to never hear hoh-y warnings or have him ever need to sound assertive or dominant. I considered the idea of LDD's boot camp to kick things off, but it's a little to intense for us, plus we have a bunch of little ones, so time away is scarce. So we (I) came up with a kickstart of my own. For the next three months we have a sheduled weekly spanking. We have a bunch of multicolored dice, and we roll 5 of them. 3 white ones will tell us how many swats I get. One red one will tell us how severe the swats will be. And one blue one will tell us which implement to use. My hope is that 3 months of weekly ones will cement in my head that he is dedicated to the process, and comfortable enough to take care of a problem. After that, we are going to reevaluate how often to do maintenance sessions, as well as whether or not to let the dice randomly determine the severity and how many. As far as the lecturing, I just keep reminding myself that he is not a mind reader. The best way to get him to know what you need is to tell him. And it's best not to wait and stew over it, because that will only aggravate the problem and make it harder not to be bitter because he's not magically intuitive enough to already know. (That's how I am, anyway.)

    About the landlord thing... W.T.F.

    About the dog thing... :( So sorry. One thing my husband said to me was that as part of our "new arrangement" (as we call it) is that he is going to also address some issues by loving me more tenderly, and that I will need to accept that. Maybe this is a time to let him be tender. *hugs*

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    1. That's some awesome advice JJ! I like the dice idea, that's interesting!

      You're right on them not being mind readers. Sometimes I wish he just knew, but I try and tell myself that the more I remind him, the more he'll get it and one day I'll be wishing I still had to remind him! ;)

      The tender loving part has been how he's been even since pre-DD, and I love that part so much .. it really is the best! :)

      Thank you!

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  15. Wow, you are going through so much. I don't have a lot to add, so I almost didn't comment (the story of my life) but I wanted to anyway of for no other reason than to offer you a hug.

    I have been in a confused place like that before- okay heck I'm always confused.

    there have been a few times I just stripped and laid over my Dev's lap, no words or explanations were needed. It doesn't matter what kind of spanking it is sometimes. He will understand. :)

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    1. Aw, well the hug means the world so I'm so glad you commented! :)

      Hm just lying over his lap, no words or explanations .. I might have to try that sometime. :)

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  16. I agree with some of the above, we just don't lable the spankings anymore most of the time. Usually they incorporate more than one style anyway, so labeling it just takes effort we don't have. LOL As for sexy and good girl, and such, I find the tone is much lighter, more fun, the spanking itself isn't as hard, and there is a lot more sexy talking, like lets say how he likes the colour your cheeks are turning, and how the fleshy parts bounce at his pace, like he's a conductor of music, and your bottom is playing the notes. ;) LOL Saying that one because it's one we've never used. lol But just to give a small hint at how we play at it. I am sure just like very DD couple does DD different, sexy and good girl spankings are all done different too.

    The landlord situation is definitely sketchy and scary. NO matter if he thought you were home or not, the law states they have to give you 24 hours notice that they will be stopping by unless it is an emergency, ie, house on fire, or they hear you screaming for help. Since neither was happening, he was not allowed to enter unannounced. I really hope the next place works out for you, being sent up stairs and all. ;)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. Not labeling spanking seems to be the consensus here. It seems like something that really helps, so I'm really going to have to try and start looking at it that way.

      The landlord is a total creep! We're going to be out and done with this place in a couple days, so that is very good news! :) Thanks EsMay!

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  17. Kenzie...((HUGS)))....I just read this and here I was venting to you today...when you told me about some of this today..I didn't realize the extent of it....I guess it's hard to get the whole story by text..especially when at work. I'm going to send you an email tomorrow or a long text with more. Hang in there.

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    1. Aww, Sassy - you are so sweet! Thanks for the email and for the text and this comment. You're a great friend!

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  18. Kenzie,

    I am very sorry your dog is so ill. And, you have all of the stress in your life. And, it is so damn COLD as well.

    You already have had some great advice so I cannot offer much more.

    I am sending you positive thoughts.

    Hugs,
    joey

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    1. Positive thoughts and hugs are exactly what I need, so thanks for that Joey!

      And ugh, this damn weather really is wayyy too cold!

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  19. ok. the landlord coming into your house when he "thinks" you aren't home? creepy. totally creepy. i got chills when i read that. we're renting right now too, and our landlord won't even open the screen door until i do. so to have him just walk in? um. no. ---you gotta get out of that situation. it also explains why he broke the lease... so he could do things he shouldn't be doing...

    on the lag in dd connections... i can TOTALLY relate to that. where we are now is SMALL and spankings are not as often as we'd like. we are both very tired and husband works about sixty hours a week so i can put myself in your shoes and definitely get it. so what he does is this... he'll make a comment and say, "uh. i think we'll need to address that soon..." and even though we don't get to address it RIGHT that second, it's basically been put in the hopper for a future spanking. sigh. we don't get to do all the dd things we usually do in this tiny house but we still do dd. when that time comes, and boy, does it ever, we handle all those 'things' that had been mentioned or commented on or when he raised an eyebrow at me.

    as for fun spankings? oh. i love those. sometimes he'll be in the kitchen with me and give me a smack on the bottom and whisper things in my ear. omg. i about lose it. if it's a FUN spanking and we're alone etc, he will say things like, "so. have you been a good girl this week? hmmmm?" and i know he's not going to address any issues but rather tell me things he wants me to do to him and things he's going to do to me and well... you get the picture. THAT is our good girl spanking. there's NO stern voice, no serious tones whatsoever... all good and honestly, he uses a more playful voice and asks fun questions. which i love.

    you CAN make this work even when you're tired and stressed, and yes, it will definitely help! i hope you hang in there. i've miss you! hugs, m.

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  20. The way my D separates punishment from everything else is a punishment paddle. He made it it is thick with several holes in it. He tells me to bring it to him he either bends me over or tells me to get in punishment position. There is never any doubt i've messed up big and it hurts definitely effective. He is also very fair He only uses it when i have really messed up. He does maintence spanking usually weekly occasionally schedules won't allow for it but when He does it , i stay focused better

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