Saturday, November 1, 2014

Expectations in a DD relationship

What do you expect from your Hoh in your DD relationship? What do you think they expect from you?

Colin and I had a fairly long talk the other night, and those are the questions that came up. What are the expectations? What do I need? What does he need? Are our expectations realistic?

When I first started DD, I half expected it to be like a story fairytale you read in a DD book. Where my HOH will say everything right, do everything right, discipline me every time I need it, and pretty much be able to read my mind. Right away he will know what pushes my buttons, what my triggers are, what words or phrases really get to me, what implements to use - I could go on forever.

Over time, I realized it's not very much like what you read in this books, but it IS possible to make it your own fairytale. A fairytale full of paddles and wooden spoons, rather than princesses and tiaras of course. ;)

We've had some serious ups and downs since we started this, I'm not the most naturally submissive sub, and Colin has some big time consistency issues, but I need to remind myself of how lucky I am. When I brought this all up to Colin, he was pretty much vanilla. Sure, he had a kinky side to him, but the whole DD thing was a brand new concept to him. He's been SO incredibly open to it, so willing to embrace it, and so eager to work at it. What more could I ask for? I know we hit a bit of a rough patch, but we're moving forward and making this whole DD fairytale our own.

He asked me to write up something with what I need/expect from him as my Hoh/Dominant, and what I think he needs from me as his Tih/Sub, so I figured I'd write it down in this post.

What I need from Colin:

  • Consistency/Confidence - sticking to any punishments that you see fit, and following through with rules/consequences. Being confident in your role.
  • Structure - A clear list of rules for me to follow.
  • Less leniency - making a punishment a punishment. Not being easy on me all the time.
  • Dominance outside of discipline - Make every day decisions. Of course discuss it with me, and ask for my opinions and thoughts - but have the final word be yours.
  • Gentle Dominance - Cuddling, taking care of me, little things like playing with my hair, aftercare.
  • Alternative punishments - When spanking can't be done, or even sometimes just in place of a spanking; corner time, writing assignments, early bedtime, whatever you see as fair.

What I think Colin needs from me:
  • Respect - Respect your decisions, and just respect you in general.
  • Obeying - Not arguing when you decide on a punishment. Getting over your knee, rather than putting up a fight. 
  • Letting you finish a spanking - If you accidentaly spank me too low, or too high, talk to you after the punishment, rather than getting all pissed and arguing during it.
  • Trusting you - Trust that you'll take the lead, and you will take care of things as you see fit.
  • Communication - If I feel like you let something go or if I broke a rule - talk to you about it. Don't keep it in inside.
  • Be more comfortable - Know that you love my body, and even if I have insecurities, remember that you love me and like what you see.

I'm sure these lists will change overtime, and maybe things will be added or taken away, but that's what I have for now. Hopefully typing it out will help both of us get to where we want to be.

As for a different topic, are you guys excited for LOL day?! I can't wait, and Colin and I decided we might be doing a giveaway of some sort, so all you lurkers, get ready to de-lurk! ;)

Hope everyone had a happy halloween! What'd you all dress up as? I'd love to hear all about your costumes!


  1. I am glad you guys talked about this, it is so important to figure these things out. And I wonder how your list of what you think Colin needs actually matches what he wants/needs out of this.

    And arguing during a spanking sounds bad, but even that falls into the category of how should he know how to spank everywhere? DH and I have talked about regions, intensity, and especially because of my lower back issues, how far is okay.

  2. I like the idea of writing down what you need and what you think he needs. I was going to do it myself, but after reading yours, I think I'll just send it to Steve and say ditto.

  3. Oh Kenzie, looks a lot like our list, and you are right, it will change and grow. Have I told you how much your joy shines through? Thanks, sometimes, I really need that..

  4. I had to laugh when I read your original expectations Kenzie...sounds like a few other women I've seen around blogland through the years. So happy to see how you and Colin are communicating. The expectations you have outlined for you and for him are reasonable and doable...the main thing is to continue to communicate.

    Hugs and Blessings...

  5. Kenzie, I don't know if you ever read the blog Finding Sarah, but about 6 months into mine and Barney's Dd relationship she helped us through a difficult time. I wish she was still around because truthfully she gave the BEST insight. Anyway, she and her husband at the time I 'met' her were doing ttwd for about 8 years. She told me the first year was difficult ( paraphrasing here) the second year was when they found their stride, and then they kept growing from there.
    I realize everyone is different, but Barney too wasn't overtly dominant. I brought ttwd to him, he didn't even think we had issues ( at the time) and really many were in my heart, nothing he could see. Our first year was all over the map/ I received much well intentioned advice. Some fit us, some didn't. Year two, seemed to be the year of Barney, ( where he started to discover things about himself) and the start of year 3 brings something different again.

    I know it is VERY difficult to need something and receive some of it, yet still feel the need for more. Don't be discouraged Kenzie. As long as Collin keeps saying he wants ttwd, you keep trying! We just started year 3 and no it hasn't been a 'novella' but it has brought so much to our lives, and yes a great deal of that brought pain too. If this is what you need , keep going. Keep trying and and the two of you WILL find your way. Most of all know that while everyone's situation is unique, your struggles can be shared with many of us who have been there ( and sometimes still find themselves there)


    1. I can only second the second year, seriously, DH has been growing and changing so much, really thriving in his role.

  6. Hi Kenzie, I'm glad you two are moving forward and communicating. I feel your frustration as Dd has been absent here for some months now. This is something you both want and I know you will find your way back and what works for you.

    The list is such a great idea and my list would mirror yours. Will be interesting to know Colin's thoughts on what you think he needs from you.


  7. Hi Kenzie,

    Great topic and great post. I love the idea of writing those thigs down so they can be discussed together. It's important. Like you, my biggest "complaint" (I hesitate to use that word) is leniency. I hate to admit it but I know exactly how get out of a spanking or how to lessen the severeity of a spanking, by playing on Mistress's emotions. When that happens I feel just awful. My input as the submissive who is about to be punished shsould not a have a bearing on the punishment I am about to receive in any way, shape or form, unless a limit will be crossed requiring the use of the safeword.

  8. Excellent communication!! That's a great way to get the convo going too, to see what both of your expectations are.
    Elle :)

  9. I wish that life was like a fairly tale sometimes. Ty is my Prince Charming with flaws and I am his crazy Princess with my lopsided tiara. I like how you made up your needs. Well done. Hope the stars continue to twinkle and the sun continues to light the way....

  10. Kenzie, the real thing is very different indeed! I'm glad you were able to get the subject out in the open and that Colin was able to hear what you needed to say. We've been at this for two years now and that conversation is still so hard. I find writing it out helpful most of the time. You're list is good and honest. It gives both of you accountability and says where you see you need change. Good for you! clara

  11. Yes, it is important in a domestic discipline relationship. If you have warranted a punishment spanking, that this spanking be one. Yes, it should be a good one, and a painful one, possibly you may cry. The implements for such an occasion depends on what errors you made, They can be just the hand, paddle, hairbrush for small ones. Or. birch rod, or cane, for severe misdemeanors They should all be given on your bare bottom.