Friday, December 13, 2013

How to bring up Spanking/Domestic Discipline: Round Table Discussion

I'm so excited to be taking part in a Round Table Discussion. A friend/fellow blogger Katherine Deane told me about the Discussions and urged me to take part. I went and checked it out, and it looked like a lot of fun, so I figured, why not?

You can read all about Round Table Discussions over at the host blog, Spanking Romance and maybe even sign up for a future discussion! I also want to thank Corinne Alexander for hosting this topic.


There are sooo many things I could sit here and discuss that pertain to DD, but I figured I'd try and focus on one main topic. This topic is something I've had lots of experience in, so I'm going to write about bringing up DD to your partner.

When I brought this up to my husband, I had the perfect vision of how DD would go in my mind. I thought once I finally talked to him, It'd be exactly as I'd envisioned. Exactly like the videos I had watched, and the stories I had read. Even though I thought it COULD be this little dream world once I told him, I couldn't bring myself to tell him for the longest time.

Spanking was something I had been interested in for as long as I can remember. I'd see the word in a book, or hear someone mention it a sentence and I'd just get that .. feeling. Even before I could really understand it, I felt it. I knew it was something that intrigued me.

Fast forward a few years, and towards the end of high school, I began a relationship with my now husband. He didn't strike me as the dominant type. In fact, he was quite the opposite. He was sweet, he was caring, he was a total teddy bear. I love that side of him, and I wouldn't want a relationship if that side didn't exist, but I also craved that Dominance.

I knew he had a bit of a kinky side to him, so I thought maybe I could bring up spanking as foreplay and see how he reacted. I remember suggesting we should share a fantasy or two, and of course he agreed. I started off by mentioning handcuffs, and being tied up. Then I slowly but surely worked my way up to telling him that I thought spanking was interesting. He seemed to like the idea, and we dabbled in spanking here and there. Nothing serious, but a few smacks while making out, or something like that.

It was fun and all, but there was still something missing. I thought I was crazy and ridiculous for being interested in spanking as a method of discipline, and I thought for sure, that if I told him, he'd think I was insane. I didn't think I was normal, how could HE think I was normal? I thought it was so strange that essentially, I wanted him to take control and punish me when necessary. Spankings, lecturing, corner time, etc. I wanted all of that, but I had no idea why. How could I expect him to understand it, if I didn't even understand it?

So, I kept it in. I decided it was better if he didn't know about my "weird little interest." That didn't make that interest go away though. I did what a lot of us did, and did searches, went into chats, read stories, etc. I wanted to talk to other people who understood the discipline aspect of spanking for an adult. I thought maybe I could find it elsewhere, after all in my mind at the time, the type of spanking I wanted, wasn't sexual, so would it really be wrong? I mean, it wouldn't really be cheating .. right?

Well, it's not something I'm at all proud of, but I couldn't go any longer without feeling what a real discipline spanking would feel like. I had been talking to a couple local people for a while, and ended up meeting up with a couple of them throughout a year or so. Nothing sexual ever occured, in fact I had to talk to quite a few people until I found ones who agreed with me. Agreed that it COULD just be discipline. Yes, there's that sexual aspect in the first place, or else why would it be appealing? BUT it could happen without being a sexual encounter, or for sexual reasons. I was dating Colin at the time, but we weren't exactly .. serious. I mean, we were in a committed relationship, but it hadn't been a relationship that I knew was going to turn into marriage or anything like that. Again, I'm not proud of what I did, but I am proud of myself for being honest with him eventually. If any reader wants to judge me for that, I understand, but I do hope that you don't.

The point of me blogging about this, is that maybe someday someone will read this post. Maybe they'll be searching for ways of how to tell their partner. Maybe they'll be on the fence about telling them. Maybe after they see that once I opened up to him, and told him all about it, we finally got to such a good place in DD, maybe they'll decide that they CAN talk to their partners about this.

Just because someone wasn't googling spanking at a young age, or trying to understand why they were drawn to spanking, doesn't mean that they can't understand the need for spanking. I'm so thankful that I have a husband who DID understand. So trust me when I say, it can happen. Yes, there is the flip side, and there are those who won't be understanding, but you're not going to know until you try. I know it's cliche, but I strongly believe that honesty IS the best policy.

Maybe now you're thinking, "Wow I really do want to tell my partner about this .. but .. how do I?"

There are so many ways. Maybe start off slowly. Say you came across an article about domestic discipline, and ask for his/her views on the subject. Start talking about your fantasies, and show them a link to a video or story you like. Write a letter to them, and ask them to open it in private. Email them.

You have to find a way that works for you. If you know your partner well, you'll know what method of communication is best for them.

Do they like face to face conversations? If so, ask if you can sit down and talk. Ask if you can get everything out there, without them interrupting. Say you need to get a lot off your chest, and then you'd love to hear what they had to think.

Are they the type the need time to process things before having a conversation? If so, write a letter or an email. Sit down and really analyze how YOU feel about DD. What are the benefits of it? What do you think it can help in your relationship? Write that down, and explain it to them in a letter. Say that when they've read through, and processed, you'd love to hear what they think.

If you do decide to bring this up to your partner, have an open mind. Reality isn't the videos you watch, or the stories you read. Reality isn't anyone else's DD relationship. The reality is, it's not going to be a fairy tale. Yes, you'll have times that you feel like you're more in love than anyone else on this planet. There will be times you feel like you're walking on cloud nine. There will be AMAZING times that you're closer with your partner than you ever thought imaginable.

BUT - there will also be times you simply want to give up on DD. There will be times you wonder why the hell you ever brought it up. There will be times you wonder if the Hoh can really step up to the plate like you need them to. There will be times that you wonder if you, as the submissive partner, can really truly submit. Heck, there will be times a belt or paddle is coming down on your bottom, and you can't sit the next day. But honestly? If it's meant to be, it's worth it. It really is.


Maybe it will work out, and maybe it wont. Maybe they'll be open to trying DD, and maybe they won't. Like I said before, you won't know unless you try. There are other avenues, yes, and there are plenty of other situations out there. What's right for you, is right for you. Some people need to get the need met outside of their relationship, and I'm not the type to judge. To each their own, if it works for you, good for you. I'm just explaining my situation, and my opinion of bringing up DD to your partner.

Bottom line? Find what works for you. Think hard about what YOU want/need out of DD, and try to find the best way to get that need met. If you decide to bring this up to your partner, I wish you the best of luck and you're seriously strong, and brave, for even thinking about it. ;)

For those who are in a DD relationship, what did you find was the best way to bring it up to your partner? Or if your partner brought it up to you, what way got you to listen/understand? Id love to hear from everyone!


Make sure to check out the other bloggers posts about this Round Table Discussions Topic: Domestic Discipline. :)

26 comments:

  1. Hi Kenzie:) Love your post! To answer your question, in my relationship neither one of us really brought up DD as we met on a spanking personals site and both of our ads kind of had that vibe to them without saying the words domestic or discipline. I think you give great advice for bringing it up, though, and about living by your own parameters and not those set by anyone outside your relationship.

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    1. Thanks so much! I think that's so cool that you met on a spanking personals site!

      Thanks for coming by and for commenting! :)

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  2. Know thyself. I believe that's the biggest thing you can do to start a DD relationship. Communicate. That's the second biggest thing. Sounds like you got there.

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    1. Know thyself is very, very important! Thanks Patricia! :)

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  3. Great article! Ahh man, though. I tried to bring it up with a past boyfriend and he thought I was crazy and shared it with... his entire family. They all thought I should be ashamed of myself for mentioning it. Eesh. And then I continued to date him for four more years for some reason I cannot now recall...

    I can only take rejection over a certain thing one time before I give up, SO I went on a spanking site and mentioned nothing about me except I was interested in perhaps being in a DD relationship, but that I was never in one before and would like to talk about it with others. That's it. No picture, no nothing. Three days later, James found me and was impressed that I used complete sentences in chat conversations.... That was it. He knew about it already. I knew about it. No awkward conversation needed.

    Cheating? Totally. I'm a total coward. Kenzie, your advice is terrific. Communication's key; there's no other way to do it. I mean, I've heard of girls bratting a guy to the breaking point, but then the guys tend to just... you know... get mad without the spank.

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    1. Aw Korey, I'm sorry you had to go through that in a previous relationship, but I'm happy it led you to the place you're in now. :)

      Thanks so much for the comment! :)

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  4. I love the advice you gave here, Kenzie. Be honest, face your needs, and don't expect a fairy tale. I completely agree that!!

    I also have to say I am SO glad you have found what you are looking for in your man. There's nothing like it. ((hugs)), girl.

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    1. Thanks so much JG! It's so great when you finally find what you're looking for! :)

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  5. I'm so glad Katherine got you to take part, Kenzie, or else I mightn't have made it to your blog. I love the article, although in reading things like this- how to tell your partner about interest in DD- I'm reminded of how lucky I am. The circle of friends that my Master and I share, well everyone knew I was into BDSM so there was no anxious "do I tell Him?" He knew that about me before we ever talked the first time. I do love your focus on communication though- so important, even in a situation like mine.

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    1. Well I'm so happy you made it here Joelle! :)

      That's so cool that he already knew that about you - what a cool way to start it out. :)

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I don't judge at all-- I understand completely and I so appreciate you putting it out there to help others come out. Thank you for joining us today!

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    1. Thanks so much Renee! Very sweet of you. :) Was so happy to join in!

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  7. Thanks so much for sharing yourself, Kenzie!
    This was such a great post!
    I felt exactly the same way, and also looked outside my relationship for my spanking need to be met. (I asked my husband's permission to go to a female disciplinarian. This is a story for another time.)

    But honestly, it didn't fulfill my need, so I had to bring it up to him again.

    I am so glad you found the right man to fulfill your needs, and am glad you have each other!!

    Please do more of the SRT posts!

    I really enjoy reading your posts!
    :)
    FYI, We have still only done 2 days worth of advent calendar activities :(

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    1. Thanks for letting me know about it! I'm so glad I participated!

      I'd love to hear more about when you looked for a female disciplinarian. I did the same thing once actually!

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  8. Thanks for joining us this time around! This was a great post and I can totally relate. It's hard to bring up any kind of spanking to partner, nevermind domestic discipline. I completely understand why you would have sought to explore your spanking need outside of your relationship and anyone who judges that isn't worth your time! It's a very personal thing, and while you do need a partner to help you execute the actual spanking part, it is a lot of what the spankee needs. I think it's great when it works out and can work in a relationship, thank you so much for sharing your story with others- maybe you will help someone come out of the closet :)

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    1. Thanks for having me! :) It was a lot of fun!

      Your comment was so sweet, if it'll help someone come out of the spanko closet one day, that'll be so great!

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  9. I so admire your honesty in this post. The lack of judgment is what's so great about this community.

    Your advice is great, esp. the idea that reality is what works for that couple.

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    1. To answer your final question (I tried to comment yesterday but it didn't go through - I swear I'm not a creepy stalker.) DD was easier to approach that I'd thought because my husband was well aware of my desire to be spanked. Getting to the point of him really understanding how I wanted to be spanked was awkward, but he wasn't the slightest bit judgmental as long as I was happy.

      All that's to say, maybe someone should look at WHAT is driving the desire for dd and be ready to share that with your partner.

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    2. I would never think you're a creepy stalker! :)

      I think that's so great that he was already aware of your desire to be spanked, and that he wasn't judgmental at all about it. That's awesome!

      Figuring out what drives your desire for DD is a great thing to try and figure out so that you can explain it to your partner, good advice! :)

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  10. Kenzie, so funny that you posted this on Friday, as that is the day I had "the talk" with my hubby asking for a DD relationship. I wish I would have been online then to see this!! Lol. In the end, I typed out everything I wanted to say just to make sure I remembered it all. I had already spent over 2 months researching and making sure this was what I wanted. I printed out a couple of things for him to look at after the talk and also programmed a couple of blogs into his phone. The reception toward DD went rather well and we're going to reconvene to look at rules. He's unsure about the spanking part but I think we'll just take it slowly.

    Most I can say to anyone asking (at this point, since I'm such a newbie) is to research, read blogs, and try to make some friends that will talk you through it. And try not to be too nervous! I could barely get the word "spank" out if my mouth! Lol

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    1. Cathy! That is awesome! Congrats, it must have taken a lot of courage to open up to him about this, I'm so happy for you.

      I love the way you went about it, and I love your advice to others. Hope to hear more about you two are doing!

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  11. Thankfully, this is one place in the world where judgement seems to not find a way in. And that is beautiful. :) {{{hugs}}} I think it's wonderful that in the end you were able to admit to Colin what you needed, and that you two were able to work out something that works for the two of you. Yes, there are times we all want to quit, but it's so great when we don't. :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. That's what I love about this place Es May. It's free of judgement for the most part. People are able to express themselves, get support, and just find likeminded people to chat with. I love it. :)

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  12. Excellent advice. Thank you for sharing.

    Hugs,
    joey

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  13. Thank you for sharing yourself with us, Kenzie! I apologize for taking so long to comment! I've had sick kids, hubby, & now me. I love your advice. My personal advice is to be true to you. Living with something this huge in secret is no way to live your life. It is so freeing to be honest with your needs and find someone who is willing to meet them. I was honest with my spanking interest with my husband from the get go. However, I did not tell him that what I really wanted and fantasized about was DD (it wasn't called that back then!) I was embarrassed, unsure, and wasn't quite comfortable with it myself yet. It took time to build our foundation first, lots of internet searches and lurking and dropped hints. I came to a point after my youngest daughter started full day kindergarten where I had time on my hands and what better way to spend the time than by researching DD. I found my way into communities and ordered books. I spent a year practicing submitting before ever bringing it up to him so that I could see if I could do it without pressure. In the end I asked him to talk and revealed that I not only was interested in spanking for fun but for discipline. He was a bit dumbfounded, but open to exploring. We picked one or two rules and went from there. It has been a journey for sure to get to where we are today, one full of ups and downs, but worth every single moment. I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this, Kenzie! I hope you join in future discussions!

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