Friday, March 22, 2013

Not questioning him anymore. Plus a little bit of Christian Grey.

  *What I thought was going to be a quick little update, turned into a freakin novel, so if you'd rather just skim through, feel free.* :)

Had a long talk with Colin last night/today about ttwd and how to make it work.  He came home last night and I immediately was waiting for him to bring up the things I hadn't done.  In the wayyy beginning of this, i'd do little things to "test him" in a way, and I didn't want him to think me not doing a few things I was supposed to, was me testing him.  I've learned that as much as I have a tendency to want to push a little bit here and there, to see if he'll stick to things, it's probably the worst way to go about it.  I don't want to play head games, or purposely do something wrong - not the way I want this to go, i'd rather just be open and honest with him and also just trust him 100 percent.  Trust that he doesn't think this is stupid, and trust that he will step up to the dom-plate when it's necessary.

So anyway, when he came home and was complaining about how tired he was, yet wanted to watch an hour long show before bed (yet never so much as mentioned the rules or how I did with them - let alone any kind of consequence) I started to get a little annoyed.  In my head, that translated to:

"Ok.. well.. actions speak louder than words, and if he says there will be consequences, but doesn't SHOW any consequences, he must not really want this."  I guess for me, it was just such a hard, emotional thing for me to bring up ttwd/dd/ds/spanking, that sometimes I automatically go into that "he thinks this is stupid mode."  Last night was one of those nights.  I ended up having a little bit of a melt down, and kind of lost it.  Said some not so nice things, and went in the other room .. lightly slamming shutting the door of course.  I sat there for a bit, so annoyed at him for not sticking to the consequences, and then I get a text from him.  *He's right next door, in the other room, but I had told him I needed space for a bit.*  The text made me pretty much speechless, which is pretty rare for me.

Text from Colin: "Maybe you should go read your blog again."  And then he copied the part where I wrote about how I just need to give in and not just automatically run away from the situation, slamming the door as I go.

For some reason, that meant a lot to me.  I hadn't known he read the blog entry at that point, so it just showed me that he really does care, and he really does WANT this.  So anyway, after a long exhausting night of being upset and talking it out, we got to a pretty good place.  His whole thing was that he was so tired from working all day (the man works like a horse, and I respect the hell out of him for it) so he thought i'd need some 30 minute long spanking to prove he was going to step up.  I explained how that's not the case, and honestly all I needed from him, was something as simple as:

"So the rules weren't exactly followed today were they?  You're lucky, because i'm exhausted tonight, but that doesn't mean this will go unnoticed.  We'll deal with any punishments this weekend."

Sure, I think some spankings/punishments should happen on the spot, if possible, BUT I totally understand that life gets in the way and it can't always happen like that.  As long as I know he's not just all talk, i'll be fine.  So i'm done questioning his dominance, i'm done questioning whether or not he thinks this is stupid, and i'm done questioning whether or not he'll stick to punishments.  It's in his hands, he has my trust, I have faith in him, and that's that.  I say I want him to step up to the plate with him being dominant, well now it's time for me to step up to the plate when it comes to being submissive.  We both need to put effort into it, not just him.

Communication really is the key.  He told me that we'll be dealing with some of the issues tonight, which will include spanking, but the poor guy is still working, so if he's exhausted when he gets home, I want to let him know that if it needs to wait, it's fine by me.  I trust it will happen when he wants it to happen, and that's all I need.  Now, if he let it go for good, that'd be a different story.  I hate the way I talked to him last night, and the things I said to him, and honestly I do deserve a spanking for it - something he will not hear from me very often ;) - so as long as he handles it, rather than forgetting about it completely, then we'll be fine.  I'm starting to really believe this whole DD thing can work with us.  :)

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

And a video that I found today, which I thought was pretty funny .. hope you get a laugh out of it too!


*If you continue reading my blog, you'll come to realize that I have a huge crush on Matt Bomer/Christian Grey.  The book itself, not my favorite when it came to the writing or the way D/s was portrayed, but Christian on the other hand, especially when I envision him as Matt Bomer - um, yum.  So here's a little CG/MB eye candy!*

Tell me this is not Mr.Grey...




18 comments:

  1. Very nice eye candy!
    And I could follow every word you wrote. So been there, and have done that. I hope you guys get to move past that point quickly!

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    1. Thanks so much Julia! It's nice knowing others have been through it as well.

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  2. Yep, communication goes a long way! Hang in there,

    Sara

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    1. Thanks so much! It seems communication really is key.

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  3. Unknown Matt bomer is gonna leave his partner and become straight for me :)

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    1. haha, I feel the same way. He is just gorgeous .. seriously, gorgeous!

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  4. SO i haven't read your post. But I have to say I've a HUGE crush on Matt Bomer too. And YES HE IS SO CHRISTIAN GREY. BUT I'm also a big fan of Ian Somerhalder.

    Doesn't he look like a strong contender for the part too?

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    1. Matt Bomer is just .. words can't even explain, lol. I like Ian, but almost feel like he looks to boyish for Christian. It's funny because i've heard people say that about Bomer as well though.

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  5. Yesterday my punishment also had some delays, but when I already got know that even delays won't take it away from me, it's become a part of my punishment - WAITING FOr IT. So... Good luck with that ;)

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    1. Waiting for it at times can certainly be part of the punishment.. hope yours went ok as well!

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  6. You are taking the right steps in trusting him. if you are unhappy with his inconsistency don't test him go and talk to him.
    hang in there it is going to take time to get in the grove in TTWD
    Remember to have fun it doesn't have to be so serious all the time.

    Bob

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    1. Thanks for the comment. I've learned that testing him is not the way to go .. communication works LOTS better! And you're right, having fun with it is important too! :)

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  7. Dear Kenzie,

    When we read blogs about D/s, we think that wow, I want that. I really admire that couple and what they have. And, I really would love to be spanked often and hard. And, I find someone dominating me to be so hot just like them.

    I think that in reality what you have with Colin is the real world of D/s, a slow learning process.

    When I first started topping, I lacked confidence. My friends helped me by being supportive. Now, I am very confident and it shows. I hate to give advice, but I will. Believe in Colin, compliment his efforts, be understanding when he is tired, show your love for him taking on this very difficult task. Build his confidence and establish trust.

    My best to both of you as you progress on your journey.

    Hug,

    joey

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    1. You're right Joey. There's a huge difference with the way we see it going, and the way it goes. The trick is being able to adjust to the way it really is .. which is, like you said, a slow learning process.

      I'm glad you were able to build the confidence you needed! Thanks for the comment. :)

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  8. Kenzie,

    Welcome to Blogland!
    I think, especially when we are starting ttwd/D/s if we can let go of how we want or think it will be and give into the ebb and flow, things can go a lot smoother. Trust your Colin! :o)

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    1. Thanks so much for the welcome! You're right .. letting go of what we thik it will be, and giving in to how it WILL be, is important. I'm learning to trust him. :)

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  9. Not getting a spanking when you are expecting one is SO frustrating. I can totally understand that. But as you wrote, the real world gets in the way a lot. Good for you both for talking it out and working on a later time to take care of things. Hearing "we'll discuss this later" and knowing it'll happen can do as much for my head as actually getting the spanking.

    Is Matt Bomer officially Christian Grey then? I didn't know someone had been chosen. He is very attractive. That other video cracked me up. If I ever hear "what is a butt plug?" from my grandma, I may die laughing.

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    1. Real world certainly has a way of getting in the way, and it can be frustrating! But being able to communicate about it really does help.

      I wish Matt Bomer was officially Christian Grey, but they've yet to make any casting decisions .. that trailer was something a fan made I believe.

      And yea, if my grandma said that, I don't know what i'd do lol, but i'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

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